Regrets of a Father
by Stella Anon
Summary: *FINISHED* Sometimes mistakes can never be corrected. Sometimes sorry just isn't enough. Sometimes all you can do is love silently. Laguna reflects on his failures as a husband and a father. A Laguna-Squall fic.
1. Prologue I: Regrets of a Father

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of FFVIII. This story is pretty much of a spoiler so don't say you've been warned. Also, I'm assuming that Laguna doesn't know that Squall is his son until she is in space with him.

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**Regrets of a Father**

What does it feel like to be a father? A real father? It was a question I never seriously considered. The thought of it always sent shivers down my spine. Although Kiros and Ward would probably just crack up at the thought of it, I never felt more afraid. Fear was my first thought. Fear that I wouldn't be there to help him, or her. Fear that I would not be able to love him, or her. Fear that I would _fail_. Fatherhood frightened me beyond anything I could ever comprehend.

Ellone. Dear sweet little Elle. _She_ was different. She wasn't really my child. I just sorta adopted her. I'm still not sure who I fell in love with first that fateful day, Raine or Elle. Does it really matter? Elle is like my daughter but somehow it's different. I can't explain it.

I could probably understand being a husband. Hell, I was one. _Was_. That word still breaks my heart. I don't know why I never went back to Winhill. Why wasn't I there for Raine when she needed me the most? Why did I give the excuse of being the new President of Esthar? _Why?_ I'll never find the answers. I just pray that she will forgive me. For not being there. For placing her second instead of first. For being the bastard I was, still am. For _failing her._

When Elle came out to space to tell me about…him, I was shocked. Actually, shock is an understatement. I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe it. I was actually a father. I have a son. A son. The word still mystifies me. I'm a father. I have a son. No, it couldn't be real. I was Laguna Loire, President of Esthar, husband of Raine Loire, foster father of Ellone, best friend of Kiros and Ward. I'm not a father. I don't have a son. It was too much for me to take.

Eventually when Ellone was kidnapped, things began to dawn upon me. Well, Kiros and Ward helped me realized how serious things were too. My two faithful buddies. They always stuck by my side and I thank all that is good and holy for it. If I had left them behind like how I left Raine……

Anyway, I was convinced that we needed to leap into action. I was all for unleashing every single Estharian troop in Esthar to get Ellone back and beat that witch back to where she came from. They intervened however. Somehow, Kiros and Ward got it in their heads that we should hire SeeD. Kiros contacted the Ragnarok before I even knew about the plans. Before I could even mention firing them, SeeD had come. _He_ had come.

I was nervous about meeting him. What little Ellone had told me was not reassuring. The thought that my son was a cold introvert who had a face that could crack a stone wall scared me shitless. The thought that he didn't even know he had a father alive scared me even more. How he looked like, I had no idea. Elle refused to elaborate on it, insisting that I see for myself. Now I know why. Nothing on this earth could have prepared me for this.

He was the spitting image of Raine.

Sure, his hair was long and pretty messy like how mine gets when I'm stressed out. He was about my height as well at that age and his eyes were like mine. But that was it. Everything else resembled Raine. Hyne, even his voice had the same tone Raine had when she was being cold to me. The only difference was that his was more masculine and it sounded cold all the time. Well, except for the times when he was being sarcastic. Another thing Raine excelled in.

Seeing him for the first time, I felt a stirring deep in my heart. I yearned for this boy, for my son. A son I never knew I had all these years. Ellone never had the chance to tell me as she was taken to Edea's Orphanage when Raine died. There was no way she could have contacted me, a mere girl of six.

I should have known that Raine was pregnant. I'm sure she had no idea either else she would have told me. Hyne only knows how much she wanted a child, a son. I should have seen the signs. Irritated snapping, sarcasm dripping in every conversation, even her craving for the weirdest food. I suppose it'll be rather chauvinistic of me to say this but I chalked it up as a woman thing. Still, that doesn't excuse my leaving.

How is it like to send your son, your _only son_ off to a battle which he may never return from? Let me tell you. It is sheer agony. I swear to Hyne above that I never wanted so much in my life to stop him and say that I will go instead. But I couldn't. Kiros and Ward had become great mind readers by being with me for so long - or it could be that my face is more revealing than I myself know - that they stopped me even before I could broach the subject. They forced me to promise that I would not stop the boy. Every man has his battle to find. And my son was no boy but a man.

So I sent him off without even letting him know that he had a living relative. He went off without ever knowing that he was my son, that I cared for him, that I was sorry for all I have done. He just left without even a backward glance. Part of me was proud with how he turned out but the bigger part was aching. As I watched him enter Time Compression with his companions and the woman he loved, my head whispered to me that I would never see him again. My heart whispered back though that he was strong, he would survive. Even his name proved that. Not Loire, Leonhart. Lionheart.

Needless to say, he returned. A hero. My son was a hero. My pride was overflowing. My son had won the battle and so won the war. I prepared to tell him the news. I was nervous, not knowing how he would react. Being around him after a while, I had an inkling on his behavior and personality. If it was anything like Raine and five times magnified, I was in deep shit.

To keep it short, he went into a fit. He yelled at me, accusing me of abandoning him. He accused me of loving his Sis more. He accused me of letting him live alone with no one to help him. He even accused me of claiming him as my son now because he was a world hero.

I was stunned at the last accusation. I admit the rest but not the last one. _Not the last one._ The thought had never even crossed my mind. Perhaps I should have told him earlier. Perhaps I should have gone back to Raine. Perhaps I should have gone to look for Ellone and find him as well. Perhaps…perhaps…perhaps…

In my entire life, I had only regretted one thing which was I had not been my Raine's bed when she died. Now I have another regret which I could never erase for the rest of my life. I had let down my only son.

Julia had been my first failure. I am ashamed to admit this but I do not regret it much. True, I regret never returning to her but it was a regret I could live with. Raine was next. I escaped my guilt by drowning myself in presidential work. Now my new failure has come. I had left my son alone, never to know that someone loves him. I have failed three of the people that I treasure most in this life.

Looking back on my life, I realized that some things can't be changed. As I sit here and reflect on it, I realize also that even if Ellone had succeeded in changing the past, things would have been different. Ellone would have probably been made into a successful experiment by that crazy Dr. Odine and Squall would never have stopped the even crazier Sorceress Ultimecia. Perhaps this is destiny. Maybe this life that I now lead has been preordained by the powers that may be. I was destined to leave Julia to find Raine. I was destined to leave Raine to find Ellone. I was destined to be the President of Esthar to save innocent lives from being sacrificed to Sorceress Adel. I was destined to leave my son under Edea's care to let him become the hero he is today. Perhaps things turn out all right after all.

But if faeries do exist and grant wishes, there is only one thing that I want to rectify. I wish that I had found the courage to tell my son how much I love him when I had the chance. I still pray that one day I will tell him that and so much more. If it isn't too much to ask, I would also want him to call me even if it's just once, _father._

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**Notes:** What do you think? I might write a sequel from Squall's POV if I get enough feedback. This story is also dedicated to **purple-sorceress** for being the only person to review my first fanfic, Old Enemies New Friends. Thank you! Your support meant a LOT to me.


	2. Prologue II: Resentment of a Son

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Final Fantasy VIII belong to Squaresoft. Just to clear up any confusion beforehand, this is Squall's thoughts and not the actual conversation with Laguna.

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**_Resentment of a Son_**

You left me.

Three simple words but they changed my life forever.

You as in the man who could rival Seifer in being egoistical and moronic. You as in the heartless jerk who broke not one but four……three hearts that looked so towards you. You as in the bastard who left us behind under Matron's care without ever caring to know about our welfare. You as in the toad that leapt at the chance to claim me as your son for your own selfish reasons.

Left as in running away from your true responsibilities to ones that weren't your problems at all. Left as in disappearing from our lives, never to let us know that you were alive and cared for us. Left as in absconding from reality and living in a fantasy while we suffered the consequences.

Me as in the baby whose mother died without ever seeing her husband one last time. Me as in the child who grew up in an orphanage, never knowing that I had a family. Me as in the boy who was left alone when Sis left me without an explanation or an answer. Me as in the lonely teenager who struggled through life alone. Me as in the person who finally found someone who would never let him down unlike the dog that left me until it wanted a new bone.

You left me.

My life was solitary as long as I can remember save for Sis who was always there for me. I know I had Matron and the rest; Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine…hell even Seifer. Although I never accepted them into my life, I know that without them I would not be where I am today. Sis left later but it wasn't her fault. She had no choice. Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine; they left as well. They didn't leave me intentionally. Matron eventually left and all I had left was Seifer. Ironic that of all the people I knew most, my rival was the one that never really left my side throughout my life. You, on the other hand had a choice. You could have chosen to come and get Ellone back and so save me from the hell I went through. But you didn't. And so all rights you had to me was lost from that day you took the other choice.

They all came back in my life although it was much later. Our memories were absorbed by the Guardian Forces we had come to rely on as a necessity to survive. Only Irvine ever remembered and held on to the memories. That day in the ruins of Trabia Garden, he gave us back our memories and the bond between us was cemented. I would never admit it to anyone but a burden was lifted from me. I had found a missing piece in my life. Each of them slowly reentered my life to make it more complete with an additional person.

Rinoa, my salvation. My beautiful angel. It was she who saved me from the waters that I was drowning in. My friends tried to help but only she succeeded. She came into my life and gave me what I have been searching for. She gave me what you bastard can never ever give me.

You left me.

Why should I let you back into my life after all you have done to me? Why should I let you hurt me again when you cannot even my existence until it was too late for you to redeem yourself? Why should I allow you to mess up my life again? You messed it up first and nothing you do will ever set it right. Some mistakes can never be set right. Some things can never be undone. Some words can never be enough.

I'm sorry. I should have come back for you and Ellone. I should have been by Raine's bedside before she died. I should have been the father you needed. That's what you said and more. Damn right you're sorry!

How easy it is for you to say you're sorry. How easy it is for you to say all those I-should-haves. How easy it is to apologize and offer to kiss and make up. How easy it is for you to hurt someone so bad that you wish you could go back to the past to change your mistakes. Well, let me tell you. Try all you want but what you've done has already burned its way through and I'm the scarred victim.

You left me.

Sometimes I think that maybe I can forgive. Maybe I can just forget what happened and pretended it never happened. Sometimes I believe that maybe this is my destiny and nothing can change it. After all, Fate is a whimsical being that can never seem to let up its torture on the poor souls caught in her web of stories. Until I remember that you had a choice to come and get me.

You may be the President of Esthar and a hero in many people's eyes. But you are not the hero in one person's life. Instead, you are the betrayer who turned to the enemy camp, unfaithful to his true calling. You had the chance to be the ultimate hero but instead, you chose to be the ultimate traitor. 

I can't believe that I am saying this but I hold Seifer in lower contempt than you. Although you both had choices, at least he was brave enough to continue on with his vain crusade. At least he did not turn tail and came running back, begging for forgiveness. He stood like a man, knowing that he had lost but unwilling to betray his own cause. You however leapt at the opportunity that presented itself and claimed me. How convenient that the President's son is also the world's current hero.

You left me.

Let me make myself clear right now. You can stop trying to make up now. You can stop announcing your sorrows and regrets concerning me. You can stop acting like a little puppy hoping that its master would reward it with a pat. I am not interested in your pleas and denials. I am not interested in what you did for me. I am not interested in how much you want me to forgive you. Because I don't want to ever see you again.

So get this straight. I, Squall Leonhart am no son of you, Laguna Loire.

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**Notes:** Here it is for all of you who wanted a sequel to Regrets of a Father. I also promise that another sequel will be up soon, depicting how Squall and Laguna eventually made up. Don't worry, there won't be too much mushiness (only Rinoa can make Squall mushy. ^_^). Really appreciate all the feedback and would love to know how I did with this one.


	3. Chapter 1: Bitterness

**Disclaimer**: The characters of FFVIII belong to Squaresoft, not to me. The song Father of Mine belongs to Everclear. Just to warn you all beforehand, I alternate POVs but it shouldn't be too hard to guess which is which. This of course is Squall's (duh!).

Father of mine

Tell me where did you go

You had the world inside your hand

But you did not seem to know

Father of mine

Tell me what do you see

When you look back at your wasted life

And you don't see me

**_Everclear (Father of Mine)_**

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The wind felt good up here, my hair ruffling slightly in its breeze. I knelt down and closed my eyes. Relax. Don't try to think about anything now. Just let the wind blow my worries away. Just let it blow my thoughts away. Just let me forget about him…damn it! Why must I think of him even while I'm trying to relax? My eyes flew open and I shook my head, hard. Come on, stop thinking about him! Surely he isn't that hard to forget!

_I'm sorry. I meant to come back…_

I looked down on the ground, ignoring the words that kept on repeating themselves. I don't have time to deal with this.

_I meant to come for you and Ellone…_

Stare at the ground, at the white stone carved with her name on it. But so is his…

_I didn't know this would happen…_

Perhaps I should find her maiden name. Ask the locals, she was well-loved. They would be too glad to help you. Carve a new name for her sake, for your sake…

_I never meant to hurt you or Raine…_

Carve a new name over your heart and forget that you have another.

_I wish I could undo all the things that I've done to you…_

Forget that you have another life. That you could have had another life…

_I hope that you will listen to me and try to understand me…_

That you wouldn't be like this if he had come back…

_…and maybe one day, you can forgive me._

No! I will never forgive you! Not then! Not now! Not ever!

I slammed my fist down, vaguely feeling it strike something hard. It didn't feel like grass. Grass never felt like this even when the ground was hard. My heart chilled. No! Please don't let me have done this!

I looked at where my fist had landed. A mixture of relief and shame rose up in me. No, it wasn't damaged. It was still whole but the marks on it will never fade as long as the stone is there.

I lifted my head to the sky and closed my eyes.

I'm sorry for doing this. I meant to hit the grass not it. But it doesn't matter. I've erased - even if only for temporarily - the name that let us both down.

I looked again to make sure that it hadn't changed. Yes, it was still there. My blood over her gravestone, covering the accursed name Loire.

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It must have been hours that I stooped there, staring at the light-grey marble. I don't know. I lost all track of time when I punched the stone. I just knelt there, staring and staring and staring. Trying to remember the mother I never knew. Trying to forget the man that I wish I never knew. Trying to understand why my life has to be this way.

Its time I went back. Rinoa would worry and imagine all sorts of impossible things that could have happened to me. I don't want this to happen to her. I don't want her to suffer. Not like how I had to. I will love her and be there for her, not like the one that left me. I swear over this grave!

I rose slowly to my feet, conscious of the pain shooting through my legs. Exactly how long have I knelt there and not realized my aching muscles? Dimly, I felt my knuckles throbbing. I brought my hand to my face and stared at the skin that had split when they made contact with the cold granite. Blood that had been flowing freely moments ago - or was it hours ago? I don't remember - were now dried and caked around the wound. It stung but I let it go. A deeper type of ache was burning in my heart. Physical pain could never compare with emotional soreness. It could not wipe away the hurt that bled in you. It merely added to your suffering, reminding you of the other pain that you wanted so much to forget.

Tiredly, I wiped my eyes with my other hand. It felt cold, almost lifeless. I shivered a little, wondering when it had gotten so cold in Winhill. It was only then that I realized that the sun was already setting. I had knelt there for more than two hours, simply staring at the stone. And thinking.

Its time to leave. I had already stayed too long, longer than I said I would. I looked back at the stone with my blood on it and spoke aloud for the first time since I had been there.

I wish I had known you, mother…

"I wish she had known you too."

I turned around, revulsion already rising in me. Him! I closed my mouth and resumed my normal look. Only I wasn't looking with indifference, I was glaring with hate.

He flinched at my look but stayed his ground. How long has he been watching me? Listening to me? But I have only said those seven words so he couldn't know my thoughts. Could he?

"What are you doing here? I saw Rinoa with the Ragnorak back there. She and the other girl - what's her name? - Selphie are waiting for you. They look pretty worried about you. Maybe you should get back to them."

I don't need your questions. I don't need your observations. I don't need your informing me of their situation. I don't need your advice.

I nodded and continued staring at him. No, glowering.

He shifted from one foot to the other. I'm glad I make him feel uncomfortable.

"I…ahh…perhaps should…ummm…come back later. Seeing that you're still busy and all." He turned to leave but my eyes still bore into his back. Clearly, he was afraid of being around me. I'm glad of it. I don't need to be around him so much then.

He was still walking away and I kept on staring after him. My bitterness was overwhelming me. I never felt so much hatred for someone before. But I felt another emotion in me. It was small enough to be considered minor but large enough not to be ignored. It felt strangely like disappointment.

He left me behind once and he is still doing it now.

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**Notes:** Sorry for the late update. One has to been in the mood to write angst. ;) Anyway, I haven't been receiving that many reviews so please if you've been reading and not responding, please do so! I need to know that I'm not wasting my time because I'll be stopping if I am! (thinly disguised threat that! Hehe!) Thanks to all that have been supporting me as I write this! Your reviews meant lots to me!

Oh yes and does anybody know how to bold, italic, enlarge etc font? It doesn't seem to show up which is why I have to resort to other drastic measures. If anybody knows how to deal with this, please tell me!


	4. Chapter 2: Renouncement

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of FFVIII.

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I'm afraid. I know it sounds crazy but I am sitting here, watching someone I should never be afraid of or even avoid. Actually I'm really hiding, making sure that he can't see me. Hyne knows what he'll do if he knew that I'm spying on his private time!

I know I shouldn't be watching him now but I can't help it. Spying on him has been the only way for me to calm my urges down. I want to talk to him, to play with him, to hug him like how a father hugs a child. I want to be there for him. But he won't let me and I guess I can't say much against it. It is my fault after all.

So I resort to being an undercover agent. Target: Squall Leonhart. Mission: Learn more about him. Success: Nil.

This is ridiculous! I shouldn't be doing this! Not to my own son! I should be down there with him, telling him all about his mother. Raine…I wish you were still alive.

Damn myself! I need to get over this! Not over her, of course. Over her…her leaving. I can't mope around forever, wishing for the impossible to happen. Like Squall ever forgiving me…

I look up and realize that Squall had already left. Night had already fallen and I was still sitting at my hiding spot, thinking of the craziest things. Kiros and Ward are going to kill me if I don't hurry. Ah what the heck! I'm the President so I'll just take my own sweet time. Yeah! I'll tell them that if they even so much as open their mouths for another lecture. About time I showed them who calls the shots! Oh wait, they always do. Damn!

Before I knew it, I was already standing by Raine's gravestone. Looking at it still made my heart bleed but I've stopped shedding any tears long ago. When I first received the news, I had done nothing but that. Then an emptiness took hold of me and I found that I could not cry anymore. Not even now. I can only sit down and talk to her just as if she was next to me. Ever since I visited her grave that first time after Time Compression, I would talk to Raine or her spirit. Perhaps blindly hoping that she was still somewhere, listening to me like she always did. Hyne, I never deserved her and I still don't!

I bent over to look at the stone, trying to stop the guilt from washing over me again. Then I saw it.

My heart stopped beating.

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_"Laguna, how many times do I have to tell you that the knives are set NEXT to the soup spoon and the dessert silverware on TOP of the plate?!"_

_"Sorry, Raine."_

_"No, no, NO! Put the napkins ON the plate not below it. How do you expect people to see them if their underneath the plates?"_

_"Err…"_

_"Laguna, just go out of the dining room and get some white roses from Mrs. Lacey. You're just getting in the way here."_

_"Okay but why can't we just cut some from your own roses?"_

_"Because, Laguna, you'll only end up destroying them and I'm trying to enter them in next month's Flower Competition! So just go and find Mrs. Lacey!"_

_"All right! All right!"_

_"…here you are Raine, with Mrs. Lacey's compliments. She said that you can go see her tomorrow morning if you want to visit."_

_"Thank you, Laguna. Did you greet her respectfully and ask about her leg?"_

_"Yes, I did."_

_"Good. She's old and needs a little attention now and then. She told me she likes you, you know?"_

_"She's about the only person in this town who does other than you and Elle. If I drop dead right here and am buried in a grave, they'll probably be spitting blood on my grave."_

_"Laguna!"_

_"Sorry."_

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The memory of our conversation came back to me as clear as the waters in Balamb. Only now it wasn't _my_ grave, it was hers.

Who could have done this? Why? Why desecrate her grave and her name? Strictly speaking, it wasn't her real name. It was mine. Mine.

Is that it? Is that why there's blood on her gravestone? Because someone hated me so much that they'll even try to erase my name from it? Oh Hyne!

I fell to my knees and my hands searched for something, anything to wipe the dried blood away. Then for some reason, my hands stopped. Slowly, I looked at the blood again and tried to see the name that it covered. I stood up again and closed my eyes, trying to remember how it looked like without the blood. But I couldn't. Everytime I saw the stone, I would see the blood dripping from it.

It was a message sent to me and I knew what it meant. I was blamed for her death. I was blamed for bringing more curses than blessings to the people around me. The message that my name was unworthy for her hit me hard and set itself deep into my heart. I opened my mouth to address the unseen spirits that seem to be surrounding me in the dark.

I do not deserve to be known as her husband or the father of her child. I could not protect the both of them as was my duty. So now I renounce myself as Laguna Loire, husband to Raine Loire and father to Squall Leonhart. I am merely President Loire of Esthar who has no past and no family.

I turned my back to walk away, feeling a sensation in my eyes that I have not felt since that first time seventeen years ago.

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**Notes:** Just wanted to say thanks to **Persephone** who helped me with the HTML tags, ensuring that everyone can enjoy Regrets of the Father in its full glory. ;)


	5. Chapter 3: Refusal

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters of FFVIII.

The silence was unnerving, even for me. I knew that the peace would soon be broken and I'll be forced to answer questions I don't want asked. Hyne knows I've avoided any form of communication unless they were of the absolute necessity. I sit and wait for the inevitable…

"Squall…"

Hesitation? Fear? Or uncertainty?

"How did you get that?"

How am I going to answer her question? _I slammed my fist into my own mother's grave and no it's not what you think?_ Perhaps it was better to lie my way out. I would at least satisfy her curiosity.

What should I say? That a wandering Vysage found me and decided to have a little fun with me? That _has_ to be the most unoriginal lie ever. Besides, Vysages use magic not brute strength.

Blood Souls? Not unless if I returned a walking zombie. Damn it! For once I wish there were fiercer monsters around Winhill. A wrestle with a Blue Dragon or an unpleasant encounter with two Toramas would have been more convincing.

Who am I kidding? Monsters don't just bruise your fingers then run off happily, not even Geezards. They would just break every single bone in your body and happily consume you for lunch unless they're just feeling particularly bloodthirsty then they rip your limbs from you. The difference? Most of your bones heal but a lost leg isn't that easy to recover.

"Squall? Did you hear me?" Damn! I think too much. I haven't even come up with a decent excuse.

"Yes, Rinoa. I did hear your question." I answer truthfully but not for long.

"Then answer it." She tapped my arm impatiently. My throat went dry.

"I…had a fight with one of the villagers." Forget the wandering Vysage part. This must be the crowning champion of all glaringly obvious fibs I've ever told.

Rinoa narrowed her eyes and stared at me. Warning signal number one. I moistened my lips nervously.

"Did I just hear right? Squall Leonhart, the blunt and straightforward warrior just told me a lie? A really lame lie I might add." Mockery in her voice and gestures with the tilting of her head in _that_ way. Warning signal number two. I should have known better.

"Squall, what happened to your hand?" Gentle, almost soothing tone of voice. Light caress on my arm. Warning signal number three and four. Or was it four and five? I've lost count. Too many different signs. Interpreting body language was never my strong point even when it was part of a SeeD's training. Observe the target's gestures and movements. Be wary of hostility or insincerity. Uncertainty usually a good sign but should be treated carefully. I certainly passed the theoretical but when it comes to the actual situation, I'm about as skillful as a chocobo trying to swim.

"…" In situations like this, the last resort is to clam up. Actually it's my only retreat.

She sighed deeply and shook her head. A sign of surrender or merely a change of battle tactics? Knowing her, it was mostly the latter.

And my defenses weren't up too soon. It was subtle at first, so faint that I would have brushed it aside. But it wasn't the first time she's done it and Matron had explained it once to me before. Also, she never did learn how to hide it.

"Rinoa, will you please stop trying to read my mind?"

She jumped and looked a little guilty but defiant. "You obviously don't want to tell me so I'll just have to find it out myself."

Did it mean that much to her? To want to know every single thing that I do?

"Actually, yes I do." She said impishly. I glared at her and she smiled.

"Stop doing that!"

"Only if you tell me what's bothering you because I know you have something on your mind." She said tenderly. I closed my eyes. The invitation was so tempting, so irresistible. How I wanted to tell her my pain, my fear, my sor…no!

"Squall, you promised once to be my knight and you have been more than I could ever ask for in a knight. But you have to let the sorceress help her knight too. Won't you let me help you?" Can you truly help me? Can you honestly tell me that you can make my problems disappear? Can you even say that you have the power to heal my hurt?

"I can't, Squall. But I can share part of your pain even if not all."

I couldn't take it anymore.

"How can you understand, Rinoa? Can you say that you know what it is like to be betrayed by your own father? To learn that you could have had a different life? To realize that half of your life has been wasted living a lie? Can you, Rinoa? Can you? You can't because all your life you lived a pampered life, sheltered from any sort of cruelty life threw at you. Your father, General Caraway made sure of that."

She shrank in her seat and for a moment, I saw a sort of startledness creep into her eyes. Then it vanished and a hard look came over them. She raised her voice and a steelness I have never heard before was in it. 

"Squall Leonhart, don't you ever say that I have never suffered before in my whole life. I lost my own mother when I was a child, fought a losing war with rebels against _that man_ for three years, been a refugee from a hostile government for half a year, nearly died in a missile attack that same government launched, received sorceress powers that half-killed me, junctioned to a testerone-ridden lunatic, battled a crazy witch bent on time compression and almost lost _you_ because you were too bull-headed to trust us as your friends. You are not the only person that is suffering in this world. I have suffered as much as you if not more with the curse on me. Don't you ever, ever say that I don't understand pain and suffering Squall Leonhart!"

With that she stormed out of the passenger room, literally stomping out. I stared after her, shame already growing in me. Why do I always say the wrong things, especially to _her?_

She wasn't through though. Five seconds later, she came stomping in again. This time she pointed at me and spoke with a voice as cold as Shiva's.

"As to your first question, no I don't understand. That's because _you_ won't let me and what's more, _you_ won't let yourself understand it." She turned and made the same exit plus stomps. The room was strangely silent after she left.

_"Squall, Rinoa! We'll be arriving at Balamb Garden in fifteen minutes. Better buckle up. Looks like a storm whipping up. Landing will be rather rough."_

Perfect, Selphie! Perfect! A storm inside of the Ragnorak and a storm outside of it. This just isn't my day.

* * *

"Well, you guys are back rather early." Quistis commented. She paused then stared at my hand. "What in Hyne's name happened to your hand?" I sighed. If someone else asks me that _one_ more time, I'm going to kill him or her.

"Not now, Quistis please. Just update me."

She shrugged. I rolled my eyes. Sometimes I wish I could just tell her to stop acting like she's still my instructor. But if I did say it, I'll never hear the end of it. I held my tongue, an easy thing to do after an entire lifetime of practice.

"The mission you sent Zell and Lance on to Trabia was a success. The last of the terrorists were rounded up and taken into custody by the Trabian government. They expressed their profuse gratitude and offered to donate funds and manpower to repair Trabia Garden." She reported briskly. I leaned back to reflect the news. The Trabian government had been neutral during the war and had no particular attitude towards SeeD. Perhaps it would be a strategic move to employ their help and eventually their alliance.

"Accept their offer with our thanks and inform them that requests for SeeD from their government will always receive priority."

Quistis cleared her throat. What now? I shot a look of irritation to her which could also be interpreted as a complex _'what?'_.

"Maybe accepting their help so early wouldn't be such a good idea. We hardly know of their standing in current affairs. Galbadia may have been chastened from their mistake but nobody would consider embracing them with open arms. Trabia could prove a potential threat."

"And a potential ally as well. Cut the comments and just continue." I snapped, which just made her lift an eyebrow.

"You're the commander." I glared at her. She _knows_ I hate that word.

"Speaking of Galbadia, they are moving the treaty signing to a fortnight later and not a month."

My head snapped out and my hands clutched at the desk. If I were sitting, I would definitely be standing up right now. As it is, I just tighten my grip on the edge and stare at her.

"What?"

"They decided, the sooner the better I guess. They won't take no for an answer and insist that SeeD be there with just the same pomp as planned originally, if not more." She spoke matter-of-factly. Damn you, Quistis! Damn you, Galbadia! Damn you all!!

"What are those morons up to? The SeeD field tests are on that week and they know it! Galbadia Garden is having theirs at that particular week as well. Even without them, they know that it's too much of a hassle for us." I hissed through clenched teeth.

Quistis shrugged. I resisted the urge to curse out loud. Please don't give me a reason to kill someone.

"Oh yes and the Esthar government has requested that the SeeD Commander personally escort the Estharian representatives to the treaty signing."

If Quistis were a wiser person or a more cowardly one - the two often seem to go well hand-in-hand together - she would make a tactful retreat from here before I draw Lionheart against her. But she was still standing there, not looking directly at me but still observing me. Seeing how I would take it. And I showed her all right.

"You can tell the Estharians that they can take their request and go to hell."

"Right. The Commander is too busy with his schedule and won't be able to make it. Got it." She really went this time and left me staring at the request letter she left behind.

* * *

**Notes:** Tension, tension and more tension. *evil little grin* Remember to apply your three R's. Relax, Read, and Review.


	6. Chapter 4: Pleading

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of FFVIII.

* * *

"You two what?!"

"Requested the SeeD Commander to personally escort you to the treaty signing. Why? Is there a problem?" Kiros lifted an eyebrow. Ward merely grunted or did the equivalent of it.

My hand shaded my eyes as I leaned my head on my elbow on the table. I am so _not_ listening to this.

"Do you have any idea who the SeeD Commander is?" I ask wearily, still covering my eyes from both of them. At the moment I don't want to see anyone at all, much less listen to…to…this ridiculous idea.

"Why, yes Laguna. We actually do. He's only the leader of the six people who sliced Ultimecia in half and ended Time Compression. He's also the world's current hero and one of the VIPs invited to the signing of the peace treaty. Besides that, he's also your only son. Yes, I do think Ward and I know who the SeeD Commander is other than the obvious." Kiros replied sarcastically and Ward chuckled. Not a real audible chuckle but I understand his gestures and grimaces. Unfortunately.

"Are you two trying to kill me or something? That boy wants to slice my head off and mount it on a plaque that says 'The Biggest Moron In All History'!"

"… . …. . . …"

"I agree with Ward. He would probably just toss it into an incinerator and toast it all nice and black."

"Then why for the love of Hyne did you even send that request?" I nearly shouted. We were alone in the room but there were guards outside. Its enough that the media already ate up the story of the estranged commander and his president father. I don't need them to get any more information from inside sources.

"Because the both of you need to talk this out and reach a mutual understanding. This has been going on for too long and its stressing everyone out."

"… .. ….."

I glared at Ward who just folded his arms and returned my look. "That wasn't my fault and you know it!"

"But you didn't stop it." Kiros countered.

"What was I supposed to do? Tell them a lie?"

"Actually we were considering telling them that it was an accident and that he didn't really mean to punch you."

"That would be even more obvious than my not telling them considering that it was witnessed by quite a few people." I retorted hotly.

"Then why did you let him get away with it, Laguna? Your own son just gave you a black eye and refused to even _comment_ about it? Not even a reprimand or an order?"

". .. .. …."

"I deserved it and you two know it." I knew then that desperation had already made its way into our conversation. This was getting worse and I didn't want to know when I'll hit rock-bottom.

"… … . . . ."

Kiros placed a hand on my shoulder as did Ward. "Laguna, Ward is right. It's about time that you faced up to your son and _talk_ man-to-man. You have to let him know that he isn't the only one bearing this news. We are not going to let you two live the rest of your lives, regretting the past."

"… ."

I shook my head. "You two are too late. I already regret it and there's nothing I can do. I don't speak for him but I'm sure everyone in this room knows the truth. Now please just see yourselves out and keep everyone else there as well?" I turned around and stared out the window, hoping that they would take the hint.

Ward must be making some mocking gesture because I heard Kiros reply.

"You know what they say, like father like son." Pah!

The door opened and I heard muffled voices outside. Then footsteps echoed away. Whether the guards were still there or not, I couldn't tell and I certainly didn't want to check. I'll probably just get an earful which I did _not_ want to listen to right now.

How in the name of Hyne, his sorceresses and Guardian Forces am I going to get out of this _now_?

* * *

"Uncle Laguna?" A soft voice called. I leapt to my feet at once to greet her.

"Hello, Elle." I returned a weary but warm smile. No matter how much problems I have, no matter how depressed I am; little Ellone must always be greeted like a lady.

Looking at her, the realization hit me that Ellone wasn't little anymore. She was a young lady now. A mature, beautiful young lady. Here at least was one person who wouldn't shower me with opinions I know too well or treat me like a piece of trash.

"I thought you wanted to go and visit Edea Kramer like you told me yesterday? What are you doing here?" I asked, hoping she wouldn't notice my lethargy.

"I decided to stay. I have some important things to do in Esthar. Besides, Matron asked for me to visit her at a later date." Important things? I wonder what. Ellone looked strangely remote, almost far away.

"Mind if I ask what they are? Or am I being too nosy?" I tried to ask. Ward would have done a better job in subtlety.

Ellone flushed and shook her head. Why is she blushing? What's so embarrassing that she can't tell me? Oh…

I slapped my forehead in mockery of myself. "I'm growing old. Of course I shouldn't ask if it involves a certain someone…" I winked and teased. "About time too."

The glow on her face had already turned into a pretty shade of crimson. I nodded, satisfied. I was right.

"Were you sleeping, Uncle Laguna? I hope I didn't disturb you." She changed the subject abruptly. I understand that one too. Foolish me! Of course she wouldn't want to talk about it, yet. I'll soon get the details though.

"A little too late to ask that, I think." I laughed. "Besides, I shouldn't be sleeping when I should be working."

"But you weren't working, you were lying on the couch." She argued in that cute way of hers. It reminded me of when she was little and used to plead fervently to be allowed to stay up late. Of course, Raine would refuse and so she would throw a tantrum. Ellone would always bring her case to me and I was never one to desert a lady in distress. Eventually Raine would get so worn out from the both of us, she would have agreed to anything Ellone had said. I smiled fondly over the memory. How I hate that word! Memory. Raine is nothing but a memory now…

"Uncle Laguna, can I ask you something?" Ellone was saying. I snapped to attention and assumed the pose of a serious father listening to his daughter's problems. Looks like I'll be hearing the details earlier than I thought. Guess I'm a better listener than I thought!

"Of course, Elle."

"Ward told me that you didn't want to go to the treaty signing with Squall as an escort." Oh Hyne! Why does Ward have to ask _Ellone_ of all people to come and plead with me? He knows I can't refuse her. Damn…

"Elle, I'm not going with him and that's final. I don't want to hear or talk about this anymore." I turned and walked over to my desk. Sitting down, I began to rifle through papers. An easy task seeing as how there are so many on my desk that constantly demand my attention. Sign this, approve that, answer this, rubberstamp that. I dislike paperwork with a vengeance but now I thank Hyne for providing this stack of papers to hide from Ellone's pleading gaze. I was conscious of an anticipation of an assault of pleas and sure enough, they came.

"Uncle Laguna, at least consider it. You two haven't seen each other since the mission you requested SeeD to attend to and that was over three months ago!"

Without looking up, I tried to sound as unsympathetic as possible. "And the last time I saw him, I came away with a black eye. This time, it might be a broken arm." Hyne! Why does she have to make this so difficult?

"But you two didn't even talk at all! Please, Uncle Laguna! At least give him one more chance." I raised my amour higher, trying not to let her entreaties pierce through the scales.

"If a conversation which includes 'Squall, please listen to me' and 'Get the hell away from me, Laguna' isn't a conversation, I don't know what is. Besides, I've already seen him just yesterday…" The last sentence came out of my mouth before I could stop myself. Why can't I ever learn to keep my big mouth shut?

She seized at the opening I gave her and exploited it for all its worth. "In Winhill? At Raine's grave?" I nodded at both questions.

"Then you two must have spoken to each other!"

"Elle, all he said was that he wished he had known his mother and even that wasn't to me. If I hadn't come along just then, I never would have heard it."

"Then he admits his parentage!"

"No, he just admitted his mother not his father. He never said a single word to me. Not a single word. Not a single word…" My voice was falling to a whisper and I could barely hear myself. An image of blood over her grave rose before me, taunting me, jeering at me. He wasn't the only one that hated me. Someone else did too…

"Uncle Laguna…"

I pointed at the door and in an attempt to erase the image; I committed a bigger mistake by issuing an order.

"Ellone, please leave now. I have a lot of work to do and I need some peace." Not only did I order her like how I order an incompetent worker, I just told her that my work was more important than her. Maybe I should buy a huge lock for my mouth. I doubt it'll fit though.

Silence greeted my reply for a while and I daren't look up to see if she was still there. I began to count the seconds that ticked past.

Eight…nine…ten…eleven…twelve…

I hope she's gone and not still standing there. But who will just stand there and do nothing but stare?

Fifteen…sixteen…seventeen…

Why can't they understand what I know? That we can never ever reconcile? Not in this lifetime anyway.

Twenty…twenty-one…twenty-two…

Are they all blind or am I the only one that can see the hostility and loathing glances he gives to me? Don't they know how much it breaks my heart to see him look at me with so much hatred?

Thirty-five…thirty-six…thirty-seven…

It's like watching Raine ignoring me, hating me, wanting me dead. My own son, my own blood hates me for what I did.

Fifty-eight…fifty-nine…sixty.

She should be gone by now. It's been a full minute. Surely she won't still be there.

My curiosity overwhelmed my baser instincts and I lifted my head tentatively. I heaved a sigh of relief. The room was empty and had been for perhaps the past forty seconds.

"You're a fool, Laguna." I told myself aloud and shook my head. Then another voice joined mine.

"I agree with you."

I turned and saw Ellone standing by the window. Her eyes took in the magnificent view of the sun setting over Esthar. As I stared at her, she slowly turned her eyes and looked at me.

"I totally agree with you." She walked over, coming closer and closer and closer until she was inches away from my face. Staring down into my eyes, she spoke.

"Please, just go to the treaty signing with him. _Talk_ to him. _Be_ with him. I don't want to see the only family I have, ignoring each other. Do this for _his_ sake, if not for mine or yours."

Ellone's eyes never looked so pleading yet firm at the same time before. A chink finally appeared in my well-polished amour and I nodded my head.

"Thank you." She said in a half-whisper and planted a kiss on my cheek before leaving the room. I sat there, still staring into the distance. Wondering _why_…

* * *

**Notes:** Relax, Read and Review!


	7. Chapter 5: Persuasion

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of FFVIII.

* * *

Effortless. Too effortless. What once stimulated a rush of adrenaline through my veins now has become a mere way to past the time. And to add more carcasses to the Training Centre grounds.

Frustrated, I slammed my blade into the dying T-Rexaur's gut without even thinking of what I was doing. Crimson blood spurted out and made a pattern on my shirt. Thank Hyne it wasn't my jacket. I had shed it earlier - a thing I rarely do - when the heat of the Training Centre overwhelmed my need for protection.

Protection? Protection from what? Why did I insist so much on covering every part of my body? I looked down at myself. Except for the missing jacket, everything looks much the same as it has always been. White shirt, black pants, three belts, black shoes, black gloves, necklace dangling down my chest…nothing's changed. Then why do I feel so vulnerable, so exposed, so _naked_?

A rather bright light from my left caught my eye. I was near the Secret Area. I hesitated. Should I…? It's been a while since I've been in there. The last time had been with Rinoa when she wanted to see the Secret Area. It was also the second time that we kissed…

I picked up Lionheart and retrieved my discarded jacket and headed towards the light. Stepping inside - or outside if you prefer - I had to shield my eyes for a while from the brightness. As my eyes adjusted themselves, I noticed that I was alone. I supposed it makes sense that people only come here at night. Gee, I wonder why?

Dropping both jacket and gunblade to the ground, I leaned over the banister and stared into the distance. I could see the whole of Balamb Garden from here; something which I still couldn't understand seeing that this area is a part of it as well.

Why did I ever feel the need to protect myself from any sort of human contact, physical or otherwise? The only part of me that was always left uncovered was my face and everyone knew what happened to it. I lifted my hand and traced a finger down the long, thin scar. Scar. Seifer. I wonder where he is now…

A sudden thought drifted into my head. Actually, it was more of a memory. Strange, I've never remembered it until now. Maybe it was because I honestly didn't care then…

_It's not like everyone can get by on their own, you know?_

I winced as I remembered my retort to her.

_Says who?_

Damn fool that I was to think that I _could_ get by on my own. Quistis was right, like she has always been. I _couldn't_ get by on my own.

But I know _one_ person I could get by just fine without…

"Laguna sends a request for SeeD escort and you refused?"

Almost mechanically, my hand went up to my forehead and I spoke in reply to her. "Please just leave me alone now Rinoa."

"Look Squall, I deserve to know the reason why you rejected Esthar's request without even so much as offering a replacement?" I don't need to look at her to know that her hands are on her hips and her eyes are glaring at me.

"Rinoa, you're not Esthar's representative so technically you have no right to demand that." I replied recklessly. I'm probably going to regret this later but I just want to be alone now.

She quieten down but I could feel her eyes boring into my back. I began to shut my mind down before she could attempt to exercise a little of her sorcery again. Safe in my mind, I waited for the first signs of probing.

None came. I waited a little longer.

Still nothing. Has she left already?

Finally I turned to look at her. She was looking at me with a half-amused, half annoyed expression on her face.

"Good. Now that you are looking at me, will you tell me why are you so…tensed?"

I rolled my eyes. Now _that's_ an understatement.

"Squall, why won't you let me in? Why won't you tell me what you're feeling?" Those eyes so full of love and concern. Why haven't I met someone like her earlier? Why couldn't he be more like her? Why am I thinking like this??

"You've been so remote since we've returned from the mission in Esthar. I'm…worried about you, Squall. Am I losing you again?" Her voice broke midway but she managed to finish the sentence without breaking down.

Basic instinct told me to just hug her, embrace her so tightly and tell her that everything was all right. But I couldn't. I just couldn't. Fear of betrayal and of being left alone has ruled me for too long. All I could do was to look away, afraid to show her what I feel.

Then a heavy buzzing filled my head. It was all too familiar. I clutched at my head as I stumbled to the floor. Just before the darkness overwhelmed me, I thought I heard Rinoa mutter "Perfect timing". Then I was gone.

* * *

Am I Laguna again? Likely. Kiros and Ward are standing next to me so I must be him.

"He won't listen to us at all. Maybe you should try…" Kiros said, looking helplessly at me. Who's 'he'?

"… . . .. ."

"I know, Ward. I know." A feminine voice. Oh. Dear. Hyne!

"He came back from Winhill, looking paler and more withdrawn than I have ever seen. It's obvious he must have ran into the boy. At least he didn't have a black eye this time." Kiros added. Bitterly, I thought.

I would be clenching my fists if I could but her hand was hanging limply by her side. Ellone! Get. Me. Out. Of. Here!

I or rather Ellone shook her head. While I was still trying to make up my mind whether it was for me or for the other two, Ward began gesturing again.

". … . . ."

"I'm curious too, Ellone. Was he ever like this when two were in the orphanage?"

Ellone sighed and I gritted my teeth inwardly. I do NOT like where this conversation was heading.

"No, he was never like this. He used to be so loving. He never left me alone for long, always being with me even if the others were playing outside. He was the sweetest little boy I ever knew."

Kiros snorted and Ward looked bemused.

"Now THAT is hard to believe."

Ellone shook her head again. "It's true. He took really good care of me and always cheered me up even while I was missing Uncle Laguna and Raine." Her voice drifted away. Her words were already making their way into my mind. I was…loving, caring even?

". . . .. . .." From the looks of his face, it must be a question. I wish I have picked up lip-reading.

Ellone's lip was trembling. If I were looking at her instead of out of her, I would probably be seeing her clutching at the end of her shawl. She always did that before her eyes start to tear up. Even when we were younger…

"Ward, she was a child for Hyne's sakes! How would you like it if I told you that I knew who your parents were all along??"

"… .. . ." I could see exclamation marks popping on top of Ward.

"Yes, you knew who your parents were as did I but that's not my point!"

Now I know why Laguna is such a moron other than the obvious fact that he was born one. He had friends that were just like him.

"I…I…wish I had told him now."

Ellone? Ellone!

My vision blurred but I wasn't sure if it was due to her tears or because I was waking up. It was neither.

* * *

"I totally agree with you."

This time, Ellone was standing in front of me and coming closer towards me. Coffee-colored hair swung in front of my eyes as I leaned back into my chair. I was Laguna again.

"Please, just go to the treaty signing with him. _Talk_ to him. _Be_ with him. I don't want to see the only family I have, ignoring each other. Do this for _his_ sake, if not for mine or yours."

Slowly, I was nodding my head. Ellone leaned down and whispered a thank you in my ear before kissing my cheek then leaving the room.

I or Laguna leant back in my chair. His eyes were closed but I could hear what he was saying all too clearly.

"Squall, please say you'll come…"

Then my vision was blurring again and then the darkness descended.

Ellone, why are you doing this to me?

* * *

**Notes:** Relax, Read, Review.


	8. Chapter 6: Searching

Chapter 6: Searching 

**Disclaimer:** The characters of Final Fantasy VIII belong to Squaresoft.

* * *

It's amazing how so much can change in so little a time. I know it's close to two decades but to me, it seems just like yesterday. The last time I was here, it wasn't as the Prodigal Son returning home. I was the Adventure Seeker, wandering from place to place to eke out my living. And to quench the longing in me to travel.

I've come back again now but I am still not the returning son and I no longer seeking adventure. Instead I search for the nostalgic recollections of a past that seems so long ago. I look for a hint of my past that once seemed to have a future so different from what I have now. I am looking for signs of my first but not true, home.

A shiver suddenly ran down my spine. I pulled my coat closer to me, trying to warm my freezing bones. But was I cold or was I afraid to face my past?

I shook my head violently. I wish I could blame that sudden burst of…of…crazy thoughts on insanity. Still, I couldn't shake the eerie feeling off my back. I wanted to turn and run, back to Esthar and never come back again. After all, it would be easier to forget my past than to remember it with the pile of never ending work that I should be attending to now.

But, no. I shook my head again. I have to do this. I have to take back the memories that I abandoned so long ago. Only I have the right to do this, being the only one left alive to remember and cherish them.

I forced my feet to walk. Left then right. Left then right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Almost instinctively or from force of habit, I lifted my head to look at the sign I knew would be there. I have seen it so often that I could read it with my eyes closed.

Welcome to Deling City, Capital of The Nation of Galbadia.

* * *

I've always loved change and hated routine with a vengeance. That is why I love traveling so much. To see different places, to observe different societies, to taste different customs. But I never wanted my own home to change. I wanted them to stay the same so that when I came back, it would be as if I have never left.

But Winhill was an exception. It had not changed and so the memories remained. Painful, bittersweet memories that still break my heart every time I think of them. Maybe that's why I'm here in Deling and not in Winhill. I wanted to remember a life before Raine. A life when I was young and idealistic. A life when I was free from any burdens of love…

I glanced around me, mentally cataloging the changes. Where darkness and thievery reigned, glaring streetlamps shone down. Pavements that were once cracked and worn from the tread of footsteps were replaced with unfamiliar tarred roads. Benches which once offered trysting couples peace and privacy now offered noise and publicity. Trees that had acted as cooling shades for anyone to shelter under were either uprooted or trimmed so much that a flagpole could have given more protection. Shops where warm friendly people greeted you now hosted unfriendly salesgirls that glared at you when you left without so much as making a purchase. Even the people have changed. Young people either stared unabashedly at you or totally ignored your presence. The adults hurried by, too busy to even scrutinize their fellow passer-bys. This wasn't the Deling I knew and I missed it although I had never loved it as my home.

Standing at the crossroads in front of the railway station, I was unsure of where to go. Nothing in this city felt inviting. Only two things have not changed. The Presidential Palace and Caraway's Mansion. I suppose they felt the same way I do, that some things should not change no matter how much time has passed.

I decided to just walk. Walk on until something turns up. Something will turn up. It has to. I don't want to return, yet. The note I left on my desk will stop Kiros and Ward and Ellone from sending out the entire Estharian army for me. But it was also secretive of where I was going. I will return tomorrow, after I have found what I'm looking for.

I was so immersed in my thoughts that I had not realized that I had stopped walking. I looked around me to see if my surroundings were familiar. Nothing registered until I looked up.

Galbadia Ritz Hotel.

Fate must be leading my footsteps. I drew in a breath then exhaled slowly. My hands reached for the door and my feet led me in.

* * *

"Yes sir, may I help you?"

My eyes darted about nervously. The woman in front of me reminded me so much of the same one nearly eighteen years ago. Then, she had been amused at my nervousness and I don't blame her. I must have looked like an idiot, like how I look now.

"Um…do you have a room?"

"Yes sir, we do. Would you like a single room or a suite?" Her manner and tone was nothing but professional yet I somehow felt like she was laughing silently at me.

"I..err…is there….that is," I paused, wondering if I should ask the question that's been preying on my mind since I arrived in Galbadia.

"Yes?" Now I _know_ she is mocking me.

"Is room 715 still available?" I blurted out. With a huge effort, I managed to stop my hand from covering my mouth. I really don't want to make the situation worse than it already is.

She lifted an eyebrow at me, making me squirm uncomfortably. "Yes it is although it'll cost you another hundred gil to stay there."

I nodded. I had expected it after all.

"Here's your key. We can send your luggage up to your room first if you like." She was regarding me with curiosity now. A little suspicious too.

"No, that's okay. I'll take them up myself. T-thanks for the room. It's rather personal to me." I felt a jolt of pain shoot up my right leg and I reached down to clutch at the muscle. Trying to straighten up, I limped away.

As I hobbled away, my ears caught the receptionist muttering to herself. "I thought that was Julia Heartily's room?"

* * *

Even the Nightlight Lounge has changed. Some of the old décor still remained but they were covered over by some of the new tacky furnishings. It made me feel slightly ill to see all the gaudy decorating.

I sat down at the empty bar counter, something I had never done here before. I had no reason to. I always sat at my usual table, to stare at her when she performed. Now I had no reason to sit there. It wasn't my…_our_ usual table anymore. Kiros, Ward and I don't frequent here anymore. Julia doesn't sing here anymore. No reason for me to be here anymore save to remise over old memories.

"So what will you be needing?"

The phrase 'the usual' almost popped out of my mouth but I managed to clamp my jaw down before it came out.

"What was that?"

"Umm…give me a Sylkis."

"Are you sure? Its pretty bitter, you know?"

Come to think of it, I never _did_ drink any of those drinks. I admit it's usually because I didn't want to pass out drunk halfway through Julia's performance but I don't like drinking either. Only Kiros and Ward know and they never let me forget it either. They would jeer at how I couldn't hold my drink at all. Still, I wanted to forget how much Deling has changed…

"Make it a Mimett then."

"You know, I think a guy like you should stick with a simple cocktail." The barkeeper reached down and shook one up in a few minutes, all the while ignoring my protests and pleas. To add insult to the injury, he actually popped one of those ridiculous umbrellas in it.

"Enjoy your drink!"

I narrowed my eyes at him but he had turned his back already. So I just glared down at my drink. If Kiros and Ward were here now, I'll never be able to live this down.

"So what's your problem man?" The barkeeper turned around again and set a basket of chips in front of me. I grimaced and pushed them away. He ignored my gesture however and continued talking.

"What is it? Wife nagging at ya?" If only it were that.

I shook my head.

"Daughter got one of them freaks for a boyfriend?"

I smiled. Ellone had much better taste than that even if she isn't my daughter.

"Business doing badly?"

I frowned. It was doing too well and _that_ was the problem.

"I give up. What is it?" Great. A barkeeper that has a bigger mouth than me. I wish the other two were here. They would never believe me if I told them. If I ever decide to tell them.

"You want me to mind my own business? Well, I suppose not everyone thinks the barkeeper is his advisor. You'll be surprised though." He went on chattering on and on. I half-listened but my mind was somewhere else.

"Say, you know you look awfully familiar." I tensed and immediately glanced quickly at him to check. No, it wasn't the same man. Of course it wouldn't be! That was nearly eighteen years ago!

"Haven't I seen you before?"

I took a gulp of my drink before replying tentatively. "I don't think so. I've never seen you before."

"I could have sworn I have. I just can't remember where." He frowned in thought and I swallowed hard. Please don't let him recognize me, I silently begged. I don't need the entire Deling to know Esthar's President is secretly here. I'll be getting all the publicity I need next week.

"Can't be. I haven't been here for a long time." I wasn't sure if I should have said that last sentence.

"Really? When were you last here?"

"I..don't remember. It's been a long time."

"I see. Busy with the wife and kids, huh?"

"Yeah…" Easier to lie than to explain.

"So you going to the treaty signing? Hey! Anything wrong?"

I must have jumped at least two feet from my seat. I turned my face away, hoping desperately that he won't suspect anything else.

"Nothing. I just remembered something I had to do. Sorry, gotta leave now. Thanks for the drink." I placed a few gil on the counter and hurriedly got up to make my exit. Then I saw something that arrested my entire pose.

"Who…who is that?" I pointed at the picture. The barkeeper looked up in surprise and glanced at the picture before looking at me again.

"That's Julia Heartily and her husband, General Caraway with their daughter. It was taken a few months before her car accident. You know, she used to work here at the Nightlight Lounge before she became a star. Pity about her accident though. Just killed the whole family."

I interrupted, not wanting to hear things I already knew. I wanted to know what I didn't know.

"That's her daughter?"

"Yeah sure. Rinoa Caraway."

Rinoa? Rinoa is Julia's daughter? Squall is in love with Julia's daughter? What does this all mean? Oh Hyne!

I stumbled back into the lobby, oblivious to the barkeeper's puzzled inquiries. I went up to my room without glancing at the receptionist or anyone else for that matter. I just wanted to get into my room. Her room.

Room 715 was still the same. Nothing has changed. In an alienated city full of changes, Julia's room had not changed. Perhaps they've changed the carpet and the decoratings, but they have not changed the original décor. It was still Julia's room like I remember it.

I wasn't until I saw my bed that I realized my weariness. I looked into the mirror across the room and saw something that made me stare.

I've seen it a million times but not in this light, not in this situation.

In a room that has not changed for nearly eighteen years, I have changed. Yes, I have grown older but it was as if I was looking into a mirror that revealed my inner self. I have become a coward that runs from his only family. I have turned into a turtle that hides in its shell, afraid to see what was outside. I have become a man full of sorrow and burdens that were so hard to bear. And I had another revelation that somehow added weight to them even though I didn't know why.

Julia's daughter was in love with my son. The woman I had first loved had a daughter that my son loved.

* * *

**Notes:** This update is slightly late and I apologize for the delay. Schoolwork coupled with a broken phone line have been interrupting my time. Anyway, just wanted to say a big THANK YOU to all my readers. Your reviews meant a lot to me, encouraging me to continue on even though my schedule has been crazy. Hope you enjoyed the chapter and look forward to the next!


	9. Chapter 7: Trapped

Chapter 7: Trapped 

**Disclaimer:** The characters of FFVIII belong to Squaresoft.

* * *

__

"Hey, Squally-boy! Whatcha doing hiding here?"

"Go away, Seifer. I don't want sand in my hair."

"Aw come on Squally. I'm bored and there's nothing to do."

"What about Zell and the others?"

"He's busy crying as usual and Quisty's helping Matron make the beds. Irvy and Sefie are playing cards and it's a stupid game."

"…fine, you can stay. Just don't try and do anything funny."

"Yeah, yeah."

"…"

"What do you do here anyway? I never see you anywhere else anymore 'cept when we're eating or sleeping."

"I…nothing."

"Squall, do you ever think of who your parents were?"

"Not much. Why?"

"I heard Matron saying that some grownups will be coming to see us so that they can adopt us next year. So I started thinking about my real parents. I wonder where they are now."

"I dunno. I never think about mine. I only remember…Sis…"

"I don't have anybody. Alive anyway. I remember a little bit about my mom. She was always crying and sick. I don't remember much about my dad though 'cept that he was smelly and dirty. He was always drinking from this bottle and seems to like it a lot."

"I don't think I have a father or a mother."

"Nah. That's impossible! You gotta have them if you're here, stupid! You're dumb just like Sefie."

"I'm not dumb! If I had parents, I would remember them. Everyone else remembers them but I don't! Maybe I can't remember them because I never had parents! Maybe that's why I'm all alone now! Sis doesn't want me anymore and I don't have a mom or a dad! Nobody wants me! Sis! Sis! Please come back! SIS!"

* * *

Matron and Cid arrived two days ago. They just suddenly dropped by out of the blue without any forewarning whatsoever. Since my promotion to Commander, I've learned to deal with out-of-the-ordinary things. Come to think of it, Rinoa was the one who actually taught me to live with variety. Before she came, I've always been a lover of routine. My days blended into one another, never differing from the last. It all changed when she entered. She was always surprising me with her little 'specials' and I never knew what to expect from her. She was about as unpredictable as the winds in Trabia. I'm in love with a woman who is the complete opposite of me and I wouldn't give up a damn thing to have it differently. My life is full of contrasting ironies.

Matron spent most of her time with us or as Selphie likes to call us, the Orphanage Gang. Rinoa especially was always with Matron. Both of them had taken to each other and Rinoa seemed to regard her as a mother. Matron has always had that motherly streak in her. I wasn't so indifferent to everyone else that I couldn't see _that_.

Cid, on the other hand did nothing but survey Garden. He took a long tour of Garden and spent time talking with the other SeeDs. If I didn't know any better, I would think that he was acting as an instructor checking on his student's progress in running a Garden.

I wonder about their true intentions for visiting Garden…

* * *

"Would it be a terrible offence if I asked for a few minutes of the busy commander's time?"

I looked up and saw Cid's body framing the door. I stifled a sigh and resisted the urge to throw him out. It's been the third time I've been interrupted this morning but…

I gestured at the couch.

Cid accepted my welcome if somewhat reluctant invitation. However he didn't sit down as I expected but walked over to look at the view facing my desk.

I lifted an eyebrow at this. Again I had to resist myself from doing something I'll regret later. The room was silent. I am not going to say anything. He requested my attention and he has it. For the next thirty seconds, that is.

As I was about to count the seconds, he turned around abruptly and spoke.

"It's a beautiful view, isn't it? I have always loved to sit here and just look outside my window. I used to wonder about what lies beyond. Not because I had no idea what was out there. I knew what was out there. I was wondering for my students. I wondered what each of my students would face out there in the great big world."

Uh oh. I do not like the sound of where this is going. Of all the things I couldn't tolerate, adults reminiscing is one of them.

Before I could think up a decent reply, Cid had changed the subject.

"So, how is running a Garden suiting you?" He settled himself comfortably in the chair facing mine and studied me. I felt like a young student being tested by his instructor.

"It's a challenge but I've been coping well." I said, choosing my words carefully. I don't want him to think that I'm failing at my duties. Failure is not an option.

"Less trying than defeating a sorceress hell-bent on time compression, eh?" He laughed and I almost smiled. Almost.

"A lot less trying, sir."

"Well, its good training and I know you can do it. After all, it has always been your destiny." A sudden feeling of déjà vu attacked my senses and I desperately tried to push them away. I couldn't handle another barrage of feelings at the moment. It's taken three days to forget the strange dream I had. Somehow I must have known subconsciously that they were coming. Why else would I suddenly dream about the Orphanage by the sea?

"I hope I have been able to teach you to be able to do this on your own. I'm a huge coward to shirk my duties all because of some minor problems." He laughed again but it was a hollow laugh.

"Sir, you did what you thought was the best. I'm sure I would have done the same for the sake of Garden." My response was automatic and I didn't need to hear myself to know that it sounded hollow as well.

Cid shook his head. "Squall, you're a far better commander than I could ever be. I know I did the right thing by handing over Garden to you despite your youth and experience. Maybe it was _because_ of your youth and experience that I knew you could do it."

I nodded. I didn't want to tell another hollow lie. I never was a tactful person.

"Handling Garden is a difficult task but you've proven yourself. I can rest assured that I have done my duty and have not ruined your life." His smile suddenly seems to make him look so old. I had never seen him look that way before. A rare flash of understanding and sympathy overcame me.

"Sir, how could you have ruined my life? You've been like a fa…" I paused. "You've been like a mentor to me."

His face betrayed no signs of noticing my blunder. Quite the opposite. He seemed to be relieved.

"I'm glad, Squall. I'm very glad."

He changed the subject again. I was getting irritated.

"I heard you rejected a request from Esthar to escort their representatives to the treaty signing in Galbadia next week." Oh Hyne! Why can't anyone just leave it alone?

"Sir, it would be a rather unwise step to take for Garden." Please don't tell me that family relationships are important et cetera, et cetera. I have received more than my fair share of them from just about anybody who dares to mention the subject.

"Oh? And why is that?"

I was startled. I had _not_ expected this. I stared at him but Cid calmly returned my look.

"Well, Garden has always remained neutral. I don't think it would be wise to accept their request. It would be like taking sides." I somehow stammered out. I had never needed to come up with an excuse. It was the other person who had to make the excuses on why I should see that bastard…

Cid shook his head and leaned forward on my desk.

"You're wrong, Squall. The main purpose of Garden is firstly to destroy the Sorceress Ultimecia. Now that the matter has been settled, the next goal for Garden is to maintain peace throughout the world. The world is filled with unrest and this peace treaty is something that everyone has been dreaming for years. Garden's role is to make sure that the treaty is signed so that this war will end once and for all.

"You know as I do that the past year has been difficult. Galbadia has been in a state of upheaval and they're only beginning to show signs of cooperation now. We have to strike while the iron is hot. If not, our efforts will be wasted and we will return to square one.

"Esthar is not requesting SeeD escort without a rational reason. Perhaps you're not in a position to receive this news but threats on the President's life have been made in the past three months. Esthar has strove to hide this secret but they have been striving to hasten the signing of the peace treaty. How I know this is my secret but I know it for a good reason. You and I are the only people outside of Esthar who know of this. I'm sure you understand why I'm telling you this and I don't need to convince you on what you should do."

His voice was earnest and his look was of the utmost sincerity. I could not doubt that tone he used.

I leaned back in my seat. My thoughts were back again, trying to confuse and unsettle me. Concentrate. Think!

"Squall," His voice was quiet now and I could hear the growing sense of urgency behind it. "Every word I have just told you isn't a lie but the truth. Act now or our efforts will have been wasted. If you regard me as a mentor like you said, then you know what you must do."

This time, he got up and began walking to the door. I said nothing as I watched him leave. What should I say? What _could_ I say? I don't even know what to think now. A commander should be in full control of himself and see what he should do clearly. But now all I feel is confusion.

Just before he left however, Cid turned around to look at me full in the eye before dropping his last bombshell. "Never ever let your personal feelings get in the way, Squall. Its not only a mark of a responsible commander but a guarantee of a job well done."

The door closed silently but the sound of it echoed and vibrated in my head for a long time as I stared out my window. Looking at the view beyond the sea.

Damn it! Why is it that I feel like I'm being forced against my will?

* * *

**Notes:** Having my school break now which means Regrets of a Father will have more updates. Once again, thanks to all my loyal readers. You are the only reason why I'm still alive. (just kidding!) Relax, Read, Review!


	10. Chapter 8: Animosity

Chapter 8: Animosity 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

* * *

I dreamed about Raine last night. It probably sounds strange but I've never dreamed about her before. Not while I'm sleeping anyway. I would think about her and sometimes talk to her spirit but I've never dreamed about her. This dream wasn't what I would think it would be though…

I dreamt that I was in Winhill. It was night and I was waiting out in the fields for her. I was going to tell her that I love her and that I wanted her to be mine. I even had her ring prepared. I was looking at my own ring and thinking of how happy she'll be when she called me.

I turned around and I saw her. She looked so real then that I wanted to just reach for her and crush her against my skin. I ached to feel her touching me, to let me know that she was there. She looked at me and asked what's wrong. I told her that it was nothing and turned away.

Raine reached for me, asking why I looked so sad. I turned around, grabbed her hand and slipped the ring over her finger. She stared at it sparkling and winking in the moonlight. Her lips parted and something glinted in her eyes. She looked up at me, her eyes so full of love for me. I reached out to embrace her but instead I fell to the ground.

When I got up from the ground, I tried to look for her. She wasn't in front of me like she should be. She was far off in the distance but there was something wrong. Her presence was fading and her arms were outstretched towards me. She was calling my name, wanting me to go to her.

I ran after her; calling her name, pleading with her not to leave me. But with every step I took, she faded faster and faster. She was sobbing and calling me as I came closer. When I was nearing her, I flung out my arms to catch hold of her but again she slipped through my fingers. This time, she wasn't anywhere to be seen. But I could hear her voice screaming and calling my name. I shouted her name, beseeching Hyne above to give her back to me. As I shouted, her cries grew louder and louder until they became shrieks of pain.

Then suddenly she appeared again but far away in the distance. She was still screaming my name but this time she seemed to be straining against something. I ran after her. I ran and ran and ran but I couldn't get any closer to her. It was as if I was stuck in one place and I could go forward. My legs were tiring but I refused to give up. I wanted to go to her and comfort her.

Suddenly with one last shriek of pain, she trembled and pushed away her burden. Then I saw him. A baby. Our baby. He was crying and screaming too. Raine touched his cheek tenderly with a huge effort before disappearing. I uttered a long cry of despair but no matter how hard I try, I could not move from the place where I was.

The baby was still crying but as I watched, he began to grow. From a crying baby, he became a sobbing little boy. He was calling out a name but I couldn't understand that name. It sounded strange and foreign to me. He was still calling the name when he grew into a young teenager. This time he was struggling against some unknown emotion and was wiping his eyes fiercely. I know he wanted to cry because I could hear him whisper that he will be strong and not cry. Then he changed again and this time I knew who it was.

Squall as he is now was standing in front of me. I don't know why I stopped running but I know that I just stood there and stared at him. He was looking at me. I read anger and hatred in his eyes but I saw something else I had never seen before. Tears were flowing from his eyes.

As we stared at each other, I reached out with my hand and called his name. But no sound came out. I tried and tried again but no matter what I said, my voice remained mute.

His fists were clenched and the tears were still flowing when he spoke to me. His voice sounded like thunder rolling across the plains, echoing around me until it was more than I can bear. I fell to my knees and tried to cover my ears so that I wouldn't hear what he was saying. Still the voices echoed in my head.

_Traitor…traitor…traitor…traitor…_

* * *

_Traitor…traitor…traitor…traitor…_

"Mr. President? Mr. President sir?"

"W-what?" I jumped and I looked around. Where am I? I could still see Squall's image in front of me.

"Sir, the SeeDs are here."

I stared at him for a while. The word was still echoing in my mind.

"Sir? Are you all right?"

I nodded my head hurriedly. "Yes, yes. Send them to the Reception Room. I will meet them there. Inform Minister Kiros and Minister Ward of their arrival."

"I already have Mr. President sir. They're already in there and Miss Daran will meet them later." So Ellone and those two have already known of their arrival. Why am I always the last to hear of any news?

"Umm…sir? Are you sure you're feeling all right?"

I straightened up in my chair and addressed the aide crisply. "Yes, I am Anson. You may go now."

He saluted and left. I could feel the Bite Bugs fluttering in my stomach and the beginnings of a leg cramp.

* * *

"Greetings, Mr. President." I winced. I have only just entered the room and I could already feel his animosity.

"At ease, SeeDs." I was trying desperately to sound official and formal for the sake of the guards in the room. No more scandals or rumors must escape the Palace. It had taken tremendous effort to convince the media that ties between Esthar and SeeD are not strained despite the conflict. I do not want to have another outbreak of gossip among the people. My career was at stake but more importantly, my relationship with SeeD.

"President Loire, I apologize for the delayed response to Esthar's request. There were a few problems which required Garden's full attention." Each word was carefully spoken with a hidden barb behind almost every word. Stab stab stab!

"Indeed? I sincerely hope it would not happen again." Ouch! Did I really say that or had I imagined it?

"Esthar is not fond of indecisiveness especially when it concerns such an important matter." Okay, it wasn't me talking. If anyone could sound that sarcastic, it had to be Kiros.

As I wondered what his retort would be, Squall said nothing but I could almost see his teeth clenching. Perhaps it was the presence of the guards. Maybe he was suffering the same pressure as I am not to jeopardize Esthar and SeeD ties.

Ward turned to address the guards who saluted and left. We were left alone and I looked carefully to see who was there.

Not all of the people I saw in my office a year ago were there. Other than Squall, Rinoa was there as well. An image of Julia's portrait with her family swam before my eyes and I had to shake my head hard to get rid of it. Beside her was the martial artist with the huge tattoo on his face - what was his name again? - Zell. There were two more SeeDs in the room but I had no idea who they were and dismissed them as escorts. The tall SeeD looked the quiet type and was uneasy about something. The other remained silent and hardly fidgeted at all. I smiled inwardly. These two have obviously never been in the presence of any VIPs. I know that feeling.

"President Loire," The carefully accentuated tone again. "I and two of my fellow SeeDs will be escorting you to Galbadia as requested. As you know, the treaty signing is in three days and we hope that you have made all plans to leave soon."

Before I could reply, Kiros was already speaking. "The plans for departure have already been made and the president - with escort - leaves at 1500 hours today. You have two hours to make all preparations ready and so on." What is this? Am I speaking a foreign language all of a sudden and need an interpreter? Surely Kiros and Ward don't think I can't carry a conversation on my own.

"We also hope that there won't be anymore 'unforeseen delays' or 'technical errors' and that all goes well." I shot a look at Kiros. He never liked Squall but this was going too far!

I could feel everyone tensed as they waited for Squall's reply. I waited as well with dread.

He said nothing but nodded. I tried to see what his expression was but it was as if he was wearing a mask that hid his emotions. I wonder if Garden is really putting pressure on him?

The five saluted and left the room. As they left, Zell waved a little and Rinoa smiled warmly at me. I smiled back but she was out the door before she could see me. As the door closed behind us, I turned to look at Kiros.

"Do not ever do that again!"

He shrugged and replied.

"He ought to know that being a hero of the world doesn't mean some rules can be broken."

I glared but had nothing to reply with. Ward however had the last word.

".. . . . . ….. . . … . . .. . ."

And just because you're his father, it doesn't mean that you have to indulge him.

* * *

**Notes:** Let the stabbing begin! *grins* Relax, Read, Review!


	11. Chapter 9: Foreboding

Chapter 9: Foreboding 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

* * *

_"We've already received confirmation from Galbadia Garden and Trabia Garden sent word that they will be dispatching at least five groups of undercover SeeDs to watch the two Deling Mansions."_

"What about Balamb?"

_"We'll be sending the second year SeeDs and fourth year cadets as security for the proceedings. They'll move out at 2000 hours today."_

"Good. I won't be able to meet with Headmaster Martine to inspect the security lines. Send Xu to do that with apologies. You will meet with Commander Eron to check the North and South Deling Mansions. Again give him my sincerest apologies for not meeting him."

_"Right. Anything else?"_

"Make sure nothing goes wrong, Quistis. You know what's at stake."

_"All right, Squall. Tell Rinoa and Zell I said hi. Over and out."_

I dropped my arm wearily and tucked the communication beeper into my pocket. Only thirty minutes to go before I descend into hell…

"Yo, Squall! Been looking all over for you!"

"What is it, Zell?" I asked without turning around.

"They're making last-minute checkups on the Phoenix Wing. You should be able to board soon."

As if I really want to know how well the checkups are progressing. Hyne! I would give anything now for that thing to backfire or burst into combustion or something!

A hum, a swish and firm footsteps followed my silence. If it's Kiros, I'll rip his bloody tongue out and staple it to his ass. If I hear so much as another 'Esthar-don't-tolerate-tardiness' crap, I'll blow the whole damn country and the whole damn President to bits!

"Hey Rinoa! S'up?"

I turned around, needing to forget what's ahead of me. Yes, she's standing there. Smiling at me. I would smile back but Zell is still in the room.

"Hey Zell! Nida's looking for you. He said he's having some problem with the engines. The Estharian technicians are on it but I think you should take a look anyway." Thank Hyne!!

"Holy shit! I'll be right on it!" Zell disappeared in a flash of blue and red. Judging by the skidding and squealing outside, he's probably running at the same speed he goes to the Cafeteria during lunch hour. How long has he had those shoes anyway? The soles would probably be worn out by that constant skidding.

"You look tired, Squall. Come on, sit down. It'll be the last chance I have alone with you for the next week anyway and I want to have you all to myself right now." The invitation was tempting and I had no reason to refuse.

I sat down beside of her and she immediately laid her head on my shoulder. Her hand sneaked over to touch mine and we just sat like that. I'm going to miss this silence but I'll miss her more. I reached with my other hand to gently touch her cheek. Wet? Tears?

I sat up and turned to look at her face. I was right. She was sobbing.

"Rinoa? What's wrong?"

She gripped my hand harder and began to cry harder. Why is she crying? Did she just get some bad news?

I sat there with her and just held her. What could I do? I didn't know what was wrong.

Gradually, her sobs lessened but the tears were still rolling down her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Squall. I'm just…scared." 

Rinoa, why are you acting like this? I've gone on more dangerous missions and you've worried but never like this. I didn't even tell her what Cid told me. How could she have known?

"Squall, please promise me you'll be safe. Please say you'll come back to Garden after everything is over." Now I'm starting to worry.

"Rinoa, I'm just going to a treaty signing. SeeDs will be there and I can take care of myself."

"I know, I know. But I just have a bad feeling that I won't see you again…"

"Rinoa, I'll be all right. Look, I'll be communicating with Garden daily to check with Dr. Kadowaki. I'll ask her to get you on the line so you'll know I'm all right." I can't believe I'm saying this. I really have changed…

"You promise?"

"Yes, Rinoa. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." Maybe she's just being paranoid or over-protective. Maybe I've been neglecting her for too long. Whatever it is, she's not being herself. Perhaps I should ask Zell to…

"Hey guys! We've fixed everything but…whoa! What's wrong, Rinoa?"

Rinoa let go of me and I stood up. Zell. I have no idea if I should bite his head off and thank him.

"Nothing, Zell. Nothing at all." I could see her trying to be strong. She is stronger than she looks. I learned that a long time ago.

"Aw, don't worry Rinoa. Squall will be back after a week. He won't be looking at any other girl and that's the truth."

I glared at him and Rinoa cracked a watery smile. At least she's happier now.

"Now if it were Irvine, I wouldn't be so sure. I'd tell you to follow him all the way to Deling and keep an eye on him." Zell was still rambling but I didn't feel the need to shut him up. Rinoa was laughing and that's all I care about right now.

"Rinoa, I'll be fine. Don't worry." I looked into her eyes, hoping that she'll understand. But I wanted to look into hers too and let her tell me that everything will be fine.

"Squall's right. I'll take care of you, no worries!" I ducked as Zell executed his favorite punch move.

Just then, someone came in and intercepted Zell's box. I looked up to see who it was. Please let it be Laguna! Please let it be Laguna!

While Zell apologized and Rinoa laughed, I looked carefully to see who Zell's unlucky victim was. Only an aide. I almost spat in disgust but the aide was talking.

"Commander, the President is ready to leave."

I nodded and the aide left, nursing his bruised eye. Time to go to hell…

* * *

"Well, we're leaving now. See you all in a week!" Oh for the love of…!! That has to be the lamest farewell I've ever heard.

"Squall…"

I turned to look at her. I'll come back safely, Rinoa. I promise.

Her eyes were brimming with tears again and I felt the beginnings of uneasiness. "I'll be all right, Rinoa."

"Come back soon." She whispered back and wrapped her arms around me. I closed my eyes and tried to forget what was ahead of me for a few seconds. Only Rinoa and I exist. Nothing else is real.

Reluctantly, I let go and began walking up the steps of the Phoenix Wing. I didn't look back. I don't want to see what's behind. Maybe it's her words but I felt like I was leaving her behind, forever.

I heard Zell shouting a goodbye and a few 'safe-trips' from others. Nida and Warren's footsteps echoed behind mine. The door closed with finality and I knew then that I was in for a long journey.

Dear Hyne! Don't let me kill anyone today!

* * *

**Notes:** A big hug to my readers for sticking with me throughout the story. I sincerely hope you don't lose sleep over this chapter. *winks* Relax. Read. Review.

To Lovely Lucrecia: I never believed that Seifer's a complete jerk. Maybe someday after finishing Regrets of a Father, I might write a fic from Seifer's POV. That would be an interesting challenge.


	12. Chapter 10: Surprise

Chapter 10: Surprise 

**Foreword:** I'm going to do a foreword this time. Finally we reach Chapter 10 and the 12th installment of Regrets of A Father! To those who are worried, the end is still nowhere in sight so you can put away your tissues and just position yourself in front of the monitor. Tell me what you think of this chapter.

This chapter is also especially dedicated to Persephone. You know why, girl. *winks*

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

* * *

Come on. Calm down. Just go in there and be cool.

That's why you were telling yourself the _last_ time.

No, don't remind me please! I'm trying not to panic here.

That would explain the sudden cramping I feel down there.

Haha. Very funny. Focus. Focus. Focus. Try not to think of him staring at you with that look of his. Try not to think of what sarcastic words he's going to say. Just try and pretend that you're talking to…

Your son?

Hyne! How _would_ I know how to talk to my son?

Like how you talk to Ellone?

I can't do that!

Why not?

Ellone…she…I…

See?

It's different. She's…a girl.

Your point is?

Just shut up! Stop trying to confuse me!

You know, you're just going to mess up no matter how you're going to talk to him.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Just get in there and _talk_. You know, you're pampering that boy.

Since when did you sound like Kiros and Ward?

Since you had them in your troop in Galbadia.

Anyway, I'm _not_ pampering him. I deserve it.

Laguna, you're being ridiculous. You're his father for Hyne's sake! Ever heard of the proverb, spare the rod and spoil the child?

I think I laid the said 'rod' on him too many times.

But he's survived.

He doesn't deserve what I put him through.

Neither do _you_ deserve what _he's_ putting you through.

…I wish I could say you're right.

You're tired of this as I am. As everybody is. You know what you should do.

No, I don't. I don't think I want to know either.

Stop denying it. Its time you stop sulking on your ass and get it in there. Its time to let him know you stand no nonsense from him.

Did I mention you're one hell of a buddy?

Get in there, Laguna.

If I survive this, I'm going to stop hanging around Kiros and Ward. They're a bad influence on me.

Like you really would.

* * *

"Anson!"

"Yes, sir?" He almost seemed to magically materialize beside of me. How he does it, I'll never know. Maybe it's some president aide secret.

"Where is my agenda on the treaty signing?"

"Right here, sir." A file drops into my hands just as quickly as he replies. I wonder if they are trained to have super-fast reflexes? Or do they have Haste permanently junctioned to them? And why do I even bother?

"Thank you, Anson." Leaving my quarters, a thought suddenly arrested me. I turned back and looked at him. "Anson, how did you get that?"

"It was a misunderstanding sir. Nothing serious." Anson was stammering and stuttering like he'd just been caught peeking among my papers - not that he would do such a thing of course. Anson's the most loyal and honest aide I've ever had.

"What misunderstanding?" He's just piqued my curiosity. I stared at the swollen skin. Someone sure knows how to deal a wicked punch and he did a good job though. It'll turn a lovely purple-yellow bruise if he doesn't take care of it soon. Maybe lovely isn't the right word to use for poor Anson.

He shifted from one foot to another. "I…err…one of the SeeDs." One of the SeeDs? What was going on? I frowned. It had better not be what I think it is.

"Get an ice pack on it and see if you can find some relief for it." I ordered and left. I would ask Anson more but it just gave me a reason to talk to Squall…

* * *

"We'll arrive at Deling City tomorrow morning at 0900 hours and proceed straight to the North Deling Mansion where you will meet with Duke Arling to discuss Dollet's external affairs with Garden. According to Xu, he wishes to possibly employ SeeD in a later date."

"Did he state a reason?"

"There's no mention of that."

"All right. Continue."

Sounds like my cue. I enter the Passenger Room and tried to cover my sweaty palms. It had taken me a while before I could adjust my expression to read we-need-to-talk-and-now.

"Sq…Commander Leonhart? We need to discuss a few things. That is, if you're not too busy." So far so good. He should take the hint.

A pair of grey eyes begin boring into me and I almost broke my resolve. No! I have to hold firm. If I can't get through now, I never will. I just hope that I'm doing the right thing.

Our eyes continued playing push-and-shove for a while before he finally turned away.

"What is it, Mr. President?"

The SeeD made a discreet departure. I wish he would stay but its too late to stop him.

I sat down, knowing he would never ask me to. Facing him, every feeling of doom I felt when I face a nightmare returned. Still, I have to try and talk to him.

"Sorry to interrupt your meeting but there is a few matters I want to clear up." My neck muscles must be as tight as a stretched rubber sheet now.

He was remaining as mute as a lamp post. I suppose I can't blame him. Its my call.

"One of my aides claimed to have received his black eye from one of your SeeDs. Do you know anything about this?"

His eyes began to burn into me again. I could feel beads of sweat forming on my forehead and I haven't even approached the real reason I'm here yet.

"Would you mind explaining to me exactly what happened?" I somehow croaked out. His eyes didn't stop glaring though. I wish to Hyne he would stop that!

We were both silent for a few minutes. I wonder if he was pondering ways to murder me as brutally as possible.

"Zell punched him." Finally!

"Zell? Zell punched Anson?" Now I am confused. "Was there a problem?"

"No."

"So?" I am not going to back down! I am not going to back down!

His eyes never left my face as he slowly replied. "It was an accident. Zell was practicing and your aide came in." I knew the message he was sending me but I will deal with it later.

"All right. I'm glad to hear it was only a misunderstanding." I ignored the pleading voice in my head to back away. I'm still not through yet.

"I hope that it will not happen again. I do not appreciate my aides going around, nursing black eyes because of 'misunderstandings'." Hoo boy! I'm starting to sound like Kiros now. Squall's fists were clenching but I'm here and he's there. I hardly think he would want to cause a scene right now.

Even though I knew I shouldn't, I could resist raising the next subject. "Esthar's request was delayed for an unnecessarily long period of time. Why is that?"

Squall's look was sharper than daggers now but he replied all the same. "I believe you heard my explanation for that."

"Actually, I don't think I really understand your explanation at all. I would have thought that such a request would receive an immediate reply be it an affirmative or…" I leaned forward. "…a _negative_."

He was silent but I could still feel the silent curses and the bitter stabbing. I don't know what's come over me but I'm enjoying this!

I rose to my feet and began pacing. Tossing the hair out of my eyes, I looked at him. "Perhaps I'm being a little dense here but tell me something. Why would the normally responsible and prompt Commander delay sending a reply for so long? Technical difficulties and pressing problems? I don't think I've ever heard of the Commander using such a - if you will excuse my liberty - poor excuse?"

Squall by now had stood up as well. His hand was moving to his gunblade but I cut in before he could say anything.

"I knew as did everybody that you would reject that request. You hate my guts and would probably sacrifice me to the birds if you had the chance. I do not doubt that your gunblade would be down my throat by now if it weren't for the fact that we're both public images. I don't blame you as well. I admit I never came back for either you or Ellone. Still, I…" I glanced at him as I was talking and was startled into silence.

His face was twisted into an open snarl and he spat out. "I'm only here because Cid told me that the President's life was in danger. I would have gladly let them take your life like you said but I have obligations to my responsibilities. I'm convinced now that the damned fool tricked me. If you think I'm going to sit here and listen to you lecture me, you're damn wrong! You're only my employer, not my _father_."

He turned and begin to leave. I stared at him open-mouthed but not for long. The airship rocked dangerously from side to side, throwing us around while a loud explosion was heard outside. A voice shot over the intercom. It was Anson.

_"President Loire! We're being attacked by another airship!"_

I dashed to where Squall was but another blast threw me off my feet and I fell against the wall. The world blurred before me and the last I saw was of Squall unconscious on the floor.

* * *

"Welcome back, Mr. President."

I groaned and nursed my head. My head was throbbing wildly and I felt like a million Tonberries were marching through my head.

"A rather quick recovery, if I may say so Mr. President. You've only been out for about ten minutes."

I opened my eyes to see who the unrecognizable voice belonged to. The room was dark but I could vaguely make out a tall man bending over me.

"Well, well, well. Laguna Loire. Who would have thought this would happen?" The man's mouth drew back into an amused snicker.

"What the hell did you do to my ship?" I forced my eyes to focus and looked towards the door. "And where the hell is my son?"

"My, my. The Laguna I knew never used such language. You've changed a lot but you're still the same old bastard I know."

"Who in bloody hell are you?" At the moment, I don't feel like pretending to be the same old Laguna.

"Mind your language, Mr. President. I find it painful to see that you've forgotten who I am. No matter, you'll remember who I am soon enough. Men! 

Come in and take him to the ship. Mind, you don't hurt him yet. We wouldn't want our prize to be damaged."

"You still haven't answered my first two questions, you bastard!" I struggled but the two men's grips were like iron. I consider myself to be fairly strong but these two were all muscle and sinew.

"We just fired a few harmless missiles to your ship to disable your engines. Not much harm done really. I can't say the same for your son though." He laughed again. My heart sank.

"Squall…is he…?"

"Oh, he's alive all right. Not for long though unless you cooperate. He's in our ship and you'll be joining him too. Not in the same cell of course. It wouldn't be safe for us to have the Commander and the President together. It wouldn't be safe for dear old dad as well." They shared a chuckle. Right now, I would give anything to have my machine gun with me. But I left it in Esthar, thinking I wouldn't need it in Deling City.

"Take him to the ship. I'll interrogate him later." He turned away and the two men began dragging me off. I struggled to wrench myself away but it was no use. My head was still aching and the grip they had on my arms were too tight. I gave it up and concentrated on staring at the damage around me.

The Phoenix Wing was throughly damaged and would never be the same again. Somehow we had managed to land without crashing which would have certainly killed us all. But could the pilot still be alive after all this?

We passed through the corridors but I found no sign of life. Everywhere I saw dead bodies staring back at me in horror. I shuddered at one particularly gruesome sight and turned my eyes away.

Outside, a dark blue airship stood ready to greet us. Somehow it looked familiar but I couldn't remember where I had seen it. I was hauled into the ship and led to a room. There was a bunk bed there and a sink at the side. It was dark and musty but my two guards threw me in it and the door slammed behind me. I was a prisoner on a somehow familiar ship and to a man who claimed to know me from the past.

I crawled into my bunk and closed my eyes. My head was throbbing and I couldn't think clearly. There is no use trying to get out of here. Squall is still alive but he won't be for long if I don't stay.

What the hell is going on?


	13. Chapter 11: Kidnapped

Chapter 11: Kidnapped 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

* * *

_My head, it aches. And my eyes, I can't open them. Wh…where am I?_

"Commander…commander!"

_This surface is…cold. It doesn't feel like the surface of the Phoenix Wing. Am I somewhere else?_

"Commander, please!"

_What happened? I don't remember. Arguing with Laguna then leaving the room. Then? What happened then?_

"Please wake up, commander! Wake up!"

_Am I asleep? Am I…dead?_

"Squall!"

My eyes cracked open slowly, the sheer effort of it making my head pound. The room was dark and I couldn't see anything. A queer stench was assaulting my nostrils and the floor…why am I lying on the floor?

I groaned and tried to move. The person who had been calling my name exclaimed.

"Commander! Are you all right?"

It's not Laguna's voice, thank Hyne! But who is it?

"I…I'm all right, I think."

"Here, drink this." Something was shoved into my hands. In this light, I doubt I could make up what it was.

"Just drink it. It's a Potion."

I unscrewed the cap and gulped it down. The icy-cold liquid burned my throat and I gasped audibly. I had never tasted its contents before. It was so much easier to just sprinkle the contents over each other.

"You've never drank a Potion before?"

I shook my head.

"It works better if you take it internally instead of sprinkling it around yourself. I suppose you never needed to do that." How in Hyne's name did he see me nod in the bloody dark?

"Come on. The President is somewhere on this ship as well. We have to find him." His hands assist me to my feet and I staggered around, trying to regain my strength. I bit down on my lip sharply when I accidentally walked into…something.

"Careful. That's the sink. Here, follow me." He latched my hand unto his sleeve and began to lead me out. Slowly, my eyes began to work again and I could see a little light. The room was still dark but I could see shapes and forms. The person leading me stopped in front of me and I dimly made out his hand sliding a card through the access keypad. The door opened and I was forced to shield my eyes from the light.

We stepped out and I opened my eyes cautiously. There were two dead guards on the floor with cut marks on their neck. I looked beside of me. It was Nida.

"Feeling better, Commander?"

"This isn't the Phoenix Wing. Where are we and who are those two?" I'm almost afraid to hear the answer.

"We were attacked by a Galbadian airship. Our pilot managed to bring the ship down without crashing but before we could get out of the cockpit, those men appeared and began shooting. Warren and I managed to overcome them but one of them cast Bio on us. They escaped and left us struggling to breathe. Warren pushed an Antidote into my hands and told me to go and look for you. I…don't know if he's still alive." Nida's voice quivered but he continued on.

"They had taken you and the President on board their airship so I followed. I had a Vanish spell I drew from Zell while we were training and I used it to get on board. I found where your cell was and rescued you. The president wasn't in any of the cells and I have no idea where he is." He concluded.

I nodded. That explains the two corpses and my throbbing head. But it doesn't explain…

"We're on a Galbadian airship?"

"Yes, commander. Prisoner Transport Airship to be exact. One of the smaller models though. It's still big enough to transport at least twenty prisoners without hassle." Prisoner Transport Ship? We're prisoners? Kidnapped? Why?

Then I remembered and my hand reached up to my forehead. Damn it! The Headmaster was right! The bastard's life was in jeopardy after all. 

"Commander? Is there something wrong?" Other than for the fact that we're currently bound to Galbadia on the wrong ship for the wrong purposes, yes there is something wrong.

"How many men are on this ship, Nida? Did you find out?"

He frowned and appeared to be calculating a number. "Nine, I should think. Plus their leader whom I overheard one of the men mention, it would be ten on this airship." Two of them are dead, courtesy of Nida's boomerang knives which makes eight. Eight obviously highly-skilled kidnapping assassins versus two SeeDs and one has-been fighter. I wish I was still out cold in my cell.

"We'll have to find and take out the leader. Perhaps then we can find some way to fight back." My voice trailed away and I never felt so much at a dead end before. I had absolute no idea what to do. Using our GFs wouldn't be advisable at all. From what Nida says, these men are well-equipped with magic and we were far outnumbered by them.

"Shouldn't we rescue the President first? We don't know exactly what they will do to him." I glared at him.

"He will only be in the way and trip us up. They won't hurt him. If they had wanted to, they could have killed him a long time ago." And I sincerely hope that their squeezing blood out of him.

"But Commander, he's the President!"

"So?" I don't care if he's the Ruler of the whole damn world. He can rot in there for as long as we're not finished.

"Squall, we have an obligation to protect him at all costs. That was our contract and agreement to them."

I stopped short and stared at him. Nida was squirming but he was also looking back. But I wasn't looking at him. I was remembering his words…

_"Never ever let your personal feelings get in the way, Squall. It's not only a mark of a responsible commander but a guarantee of a job well done."_

Shit! Why did he have to bring duty into this? Why, why, why?!

"Let's go then." I muttered through clenched teeth. I reached down for Lionheart but felt only cloth. I looked down and stared in dismay. Those bastards had taken my gunblade!

"Nida, did you see any of them take my gunblade?" I asked urgently. Without it, how could I possibly defend myself? I would be no better than that good-for-nothing…no! I can still defend myself even if I had to use my fists!

"They took Lionheart? Hyne…" Nida's face was turning pale. He can't, not now. Not at this time.

"SeeD! Control yourself! We cannot panic now!" I commanded but still I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. I still have Bahamut though and that was an immense comfort.

He swallowed hard and replied a nervous assent. Then a sudden idea took hold of me. I bent over and grabbed a guard's shotgun. I haven't used one of these since I was training as a Cadet… It was old and used repeatedly but I could see that it would serve its purpose. Nida caught on and searched the other guard's body. Between us, we found enough ammunition to protect myself for a while. I would take extra ammo from other guards if need be. Then the bodies were hauled into the cell and locked in. Hopefully, they would think that I'm still in there and the guards had deserted their post.

"Let's go. The faster we move, the better our chances of escaping."

"Yes sir!" Nida saluted and we steadily made our way out of the corridor.

* * *

Twenty prisoners mean twenty cells. Unless they had him chained up in the cockpit, I doubt that we would have trouble finding him. The problem is, I'm not looking forward to _finding_ him for more reasons than one.

So far, we haven't encountered a single guard. They were perhaps confident of their prisoners and we would make sure that that will be their ultimate undoing.

Reaching the third corridor, I immediately noticed only six cells here. Three on the left and three on the right. It was a dead end here and there were two guards standing guard there. There were at least fifteen feet away from where we were standing. Trying to sneak to them would be a major problem.

"What now, commander?" Nida whispered.

I narrowed my eyebrows and tried to think. Surely there must be some way to get to them without drawing their attention. But how?

"Nida, can you junction to speed?" I asked suddenly.

"Speed? No but I do have a Haste spell with me." He replied.

"Use it. Cast Silence on them if you have it. Junction Blind to your status attack. Don't use your GF. It'll attract attention."

"We're rushing them?" He stared at me in amazement.

"We have no choice. We'll have to do this as silently as possible. Are you ready?"

"Yes, commander."

"On my count. Three, two, one…"

I broke into a run and raise my gun at them. Nida was close at my footsteps. Together, we ran towards the two guards who stared in shock at two SeeDs on the offensive.

Reaching them, I fired the shotgun at the first guard who staggered back screaming in pain. Nida had cast two Silence spells in quick succession at them. I fired again and again; shooting bullets containing Fira at them. If that didn't work, then I would be forced to waste other precious spells.

Soon, both guards were down. I stopped to hear if we've created any commotion. There was no sound but it would only be a matter of time before reinforcements came. I bent down and hurriedly began collecting ammo.

Nida by then had opened a cell door but no one was inside. He opened a second, then a third and a fourth. There was no one inside. Had we been wasting our time after all?

Finally in the first door on the left row opened and Nida called to me. I rushed after him and looked in. Sure enough, a pathetic figure on the bunk greeted me.

"Squall! You're all right!" He rose and ran towards the entrance but I raised my gun at him. He stopped short then and spoke in a low tone.

"How did you find me?" Is he really that stupid or does he have a penchant for asking obvious questions?

I ignored him and spoke to Nida. "Anyone coming?"

"No but we have to get out of here before someone comes to investigate." He replied back. Hyne! Where do we go now?

"We'll have to fight them. We have no other choice." I turned and glared at him but I knew he was right. It was our last option.

I peeked out to check for guards then walked to the other end. When I returned, I tossed the gun I had taken from the dead guard to him.

"Um…what about ammo?"

"There's already a round of them in there. This is your backup. If you used it up, then deal with it." I replied coldly and handed him some more ammo. Then I moved into position opposite Nida.. Hyne help me not to kill the wrong person today!

* * *

**Notes:** We're nearing the halfway point of ROAF and there is still more to come. Hope you're still on the edge of your seats! *winks*


	14. Chapter 12: Struggle

Chapter 12: Struggle 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

* * *

"Who the hell are you?"

"Why Laguna, don't you recognize me? Your old buddy? I'm hurt."

"I don't think I've ever seen you in my whole life!"

"There's much to be said about your long-term memory, old friend. You can't recognize an army pal nor can you realize what you're on. I can't say I'm surprised though, if past recollections serve."

"You…you were in the Galbadian army?"

"Well aren't you a genius?"

"But who?"

"Guess and see. Surely it isn't that hard. It's only been about, oh say near eighteen years?"

"I'm not in the mood for games."

"Pity. I suppose I should just spare you the trouble and tell you who I am? No, no, no. Its so much more fun if there's a little bit of mystery."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"You tell me what I'm doing."

"You shot missiles at my airship and crashed it into Hyne-knows-where, slaughtered all my aides and guards, kidnapped my son and I, shoved me into this hole of a cell and play mind-games with me by saying you know me and I know you. What the hell _are_ you doing??"

"Tormenting you would probably be one and believe me, I'm enjoying it."

"I don't doubt _that_ for a second.

"…Secondly, you and your precious _son_ are being taken to our little hideout to meet our superior. Or should I say, your _ex_-superior?"

"What? General Caraway ordered this??"

"That yellow-bellied coward? I hardly think so. No, Laguna. I'm talking about _Major_ General Bronard."

"Gordon Bronard? So the entire Galbadian army is behind this?"

"Sadly misguided as always, Laguna but you're good at getting half-truths. Only a sizable portion of the army is behind this…operation. I see I've lost you again so I'll just relieve the pressure you're putting on those tiny tissues of yours that you call your _brain_."

"I can hardly wait."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you, Laguna. Please don't do that again."

"Well, I'm _so_ sorry."

"I'll ignore that for now but I'll be certain to keep that in mind."

"…"

"Galbadia haven't had a victorious moment since that bastard son of yours killed off our sorceress. Esthar and Balamb plus the other Gardens have been putting pressure on President Tedrew to free the towns we seized during the war and to sign a peace treaty. Fickle as he is and no doubt influenced by Carraway, he agreed to sign the damn treaty which you were supposedly on your way to. Of course not all of us share Tedrew and Carraway's vision so the Major took off and a few of us - actually, a lot of us - followed."

"So you crashed my airship to take me hostage and prevent me from signing that treaty. I don't know if I should applaud you for your daring or ridicule your foolhardiness."

"My dear Laguna, what makes you think we're after _you_?"

"You mean you were after…"

"No, we have no use for the Commander except for the same reason as yours. Care to take a guess?"

"Strike a deal with Esthar and Garden?"

"Very unoriginal, don't you think? Where would be the fun in that? No, we have better plans for you but you must be tired of our little tête-à-tête so I'll stop here."

"Considering that you've already talked quite a lot, I think my ears could stand a little more burning Hagarn."

"So you remember my name at last? Good, very good. You deserve to be the President of Esthar after all."

"Spare me the insults."

"I'll just let you think about this, Laguna. Being the president of the most powerful nation or the commander of the most powerful military organization doesn't mean you're what we want. Sometimes, you have to scatter the crumbs before you can capture the canary. Or canaries in this case."

"What?"

"We should be reaching our destination in a few hours so I'll just let you stew in here for a while. Its been so nice to catch up on old times, Laguna. Tata!"

"What the hell was Hagarn talking about birds and bread?"

* * *

"Damn!" I cried aloud, forgetting that we were supposed to be quiet.

Squall shot me an irritated look while the other guy - Needa I think his name was - shushed me in a panic.

"Sorry but I just remembered something." I whispered.

"What?"

"I know why Hagarn kidnapped us."

"Who the hell is Hagarn?"

"I don't have time to explain. We _have_ to stop this ship from going to wherever its heading to and somehow contact Esthar. If we don't, we're going to be in deeper shit than we already are in."

"I can't imagine how much." Needa commented and Squall frowned.

"What are you talking about?"

"Someone's coming!"

Listening to Needa - which I always thought was a girl's name - we ducked behind a wall.

"I can't imagine what Dirk is doing. He went to check that noise fifteen minutes ago. He should be back by now."

"Wonder if everything's all right."

"Like how could the President possible escape? That guy couldn't knock out a fly if his life depended on it."

Needa had trouble hiding his grin while I seethed in my hiding place. I couldn't resist throwing a glance at Squall. Surely his mouth isn't twitching? No, its gone now.

I silently tapped his shoulder and pointed at them. He shook his head and mouthed 'too noisy'.

'What about silencing them?' I mouthed back. He shook his head. No Silence spell. Damn!

Suddenly, Needa moved from the other side and straightened himself. I'm not sure but it looked like he was preparing a magic spell. Aiming at their backs, he cast his spell and the results were instant. The two men fell to the floor and they were soon snoring away.

"Good work, Nida." Squall spoke and the boy flushed all over. Either this is one shy guy or Squall isn't too generous with his compliments.

After throwing the two goons into one of the cells, I turned to Squall.

"Listen! We have to get to the cockpit now or…"

"We're doing that now so leave your brilliant idea to later." He interrupted.

"But its about…"

"Just shut up! You've already made enough noise to raise the dead." He said as he walked away. I'm beginning to think Ward was right about my pampering him too much.

It took a near eternity just to get to the front of the airship. I swear I've never been so irritated by the amount of caution Squall took. You'd think the whole airship was filled with those lackeys.

"Someone's coming!" Needa again. Does that boy have bat ears or something? I couldn't hear a single thing except for my own breathing.

We turned into another corridor and flattened ourselves against the walls. Waiting silently, two voices reached our ears. I recognized one of them.

"He'll still be in his cell, don't worry. The others are probably yapping their mouths off as usual. Come on."

I leaned over and attracted Squall's attention. 'He's the leader. We have to get him now.'

He shook his head but no, I'm not listening to him anymore. He may be the SeeD Commander but I'm his father and his employer, not to mention the president of Esthar. That's three counts to one so I'm making _my_ move. I'm gonna make sure that sorry bastard will regret ever mentioning birds to me!

I leapt out with a cry while aiming my gun at him. His aide was quicker however and knocked me to one side. Just great! He _had_ to be out walking with one of his muscled freaks!

Opposite of me, Squall was already attacking while Needa seemed to be preparing another spell. Muscle-man interrupted his concentration however and knocked him to the floor. Hagarn ducked Squall's aim and the bullet nearly missed entering my skull. I wish I had the time to take a look at his face to see if he was disappointed because I somehow get the feeling that he wanted that bullet to hit his secondary target.

I reached for my gun but Hagarn kicked it out of my reach. He turned and threw a punch at Squall. Nida was still fending Muscle-man off but managed to cast Blizzara at him. Shards of freezing ice flew everywhere and some cut my arm as well.

Ignoring the pain, I saw my chance and stood to my feet.

"Squall, I'm going to the cockpit to stop this airship! You take care of Hagarn and his henchman!"

"Are you crazy? There'll be more people there!"

"I have to stop the airship or things are going to get worse!"

"I really couldn't agree with you more, Laguna." Hagarn yelled and looking back, I saw him jamming his finger onto a nearby button. Great! He just activated the warning signal! I'll have to hurry!

I began running towards the cockpit, putting distance between the rest of them and me. If I don't take control of the airship and we land at their hideout, other lives will be at a much bigger stake!

A guard came charging down the hall towards me. I raised my gun and fired at him, blowing his arm off. He screamed in pain and fell to the floor. I bypassed him and continued heading ahead. Hyne! Give me speed now!

Reaching the passenger room, two more guards greeted me. Both had arms bulging with muscles and hands armed with machine guns. Hyne! How am I going to get pass them??

"Laguna! Behind you!"

I dived to one side as gunshots came roaring down the hallway. Hagarn reached down and grabbed me before throwing me to one side. My head crashed against the wall and I was almost knocked out by the sheer blow itself.

"President Loire!" More cries and gunshots followed but I could already feel the world spinning around me. A hand reached down and grabbed my collar, choking me. Cold steel pressed against my temple and I knew what was about to happen.

"Don't make another move, Commander or you SeeD. If either of you so much as take one step or raise your gun, you'll be having a lot to explain to Esthar."

Squall and Nida lowered their weapons. Squall's eyebrows were narrowing into the familiar glare while Nida just looked scared.

"Let the president go." Squall said evenly. Hagarn's grip tightened and I gasped aloud.

"I don't think so, Commander. Major Bronard wishes to speak with you and the president as well. As for the SeeD, we're going to keep him for other negotiations. I'm sure he has a little family somewhere who will be willing to pay enough for his release." Oh Hyne, I wish I could blast his head to the depths of hell right now!

"What do you want with us?"

"You'll know soon enough if you would drop your weapons to the floor." As Hagarn rambled on, his grip loosened and I seized my chance. Bringing my arm forward, I sent it crashing back to his stomach and kicked his legs for good measure. Hagarn bent over wheezing and I tripped his legs down to the ground.

"Mr. President! Duck!" I turned around only to find Needa diving towards me. Just as he grabbed me, a gunshot echoed into my ears and he screamed in pain.

"Nida! No!!" Squall cried as Needa's body flopped unto mine. His body was lifeless and his eyes were blank.

"Nida! You bastards!" Squall leapt forward and began wrestling with the two muscle-men. His strength was amazing and with one swift blow, he laid one of them to the ground. I pushed Needa off of me and dashed to the cockpit.

The pilot was in his seat but before I could grab him, someone else grabbed my legs and dragged me down. Hagarn's snarling face greeted mine and we struggled on the floor.

"You think I'm going to go down this easily? I didn't train all those years as a soldier for nothing. I will bring you to Bronard if it's the last thing I do!"

"Then I'm sorry to burst your bubble, Hagarn." I retorted. "Its been nice seeing you again but I must say goodbye now." I grabbed his head and threw it against a nearby control panel. He shrieked as the glass broke and bolts of electricity shot up his head. The pilot turned around and aimed his gun at me. Before I could react though, someone else did.

A bullet lodged itself against the pilot's head and he flopped backwards to the controls. The airship began spinning out of control and I was thrown against the wall for perhaps the fourth time that day. This time however I was fully conscious and so was Squall. We both grabbed unto the pilot and copilot's seats and wrenched ourselves for possibly the last landing we'll ever take.

Raine…I'll be with you soon.

* * *

**Notes:**I have absolutely no idea what happened to this chapter considering that I posted it up already. Oh well! At least you have the pleasure of reading two chapters in one sitting!


	15. Chapter 13: Quarrel

Chapter 13: Quarrel 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

* * *

"Nida…" My voice sounded different. It wasn't a cry or a shout. It sounded…broken, and full of pain. I was in pain. A lot of pain.

I clutched his hand tightly and closed my eyes. No, I must not…I must control myself. I…I can't lose it now. I must…

I looked down again. I couldn't see anything in the darkness. I directed a Fira spell at…something, not caring what it hit. I have to see if…he might still…maybe……

A low flame lightened the ruins and I could see clearly again. I looked down, and almost wished I didn't. Nida's face was twisted into a grotesque mask of agony and torture. Nida, you fool! You stupid, _stupid_ fool! Why did you have to do that? _Why?_

With an effort, I pushed away my thoughts and bent over to examine the wound. The bullet had pierced his jugular vein, lodging tightly on the right side of his neck. His death was not instantaneous. He must have…no! I can't think of it. I must not…I must not…

I inhaled deeply. Calm down, Squall. You can't panic now or lose control. You have to assess your situation calmly or you won't get out of this. First, could anyone else have survived?

"Laguna…" I hissed. I don't need to check. I know he is still alive. It would be too good to be true if he had died in the crash as well. But I don't care if he's alive. He can stay in there and rot to death. He's brought nothing but suffering.

Secondly, I have to know where I am. Perhaps we are near civilization, maybe even near Galbadia. Surely there is someone who would help us even if we're wanted by them?

Reluctantly, I reached for Nida's eyes and reverently closed them. If I can somehow get out of this, I must make sure Nida has a proper burial. I don't care if it's near impossible, he deserves it.

Gingerly, I made my way through the debris. Surely there must be an emergency exit somewhere. Wait! What's that bright light up ahead? Following the trail, I noted that it was partially cleared away, as if someone had passed through. Who else survived?

In the opening, I threw my hands over my eyes to avoid the bright sunlight. When my eyes had adjusted, I took a good look at my surroundings. The land was barren, void of any type of greenery that always populated a piece of land. To my left and far right was the ocean. Have we landed on an island? But islands have some sort of shrubbery and this…this land has nothing. Only rock and sand. Not a single living thing. Not even monsters. I don't know where we are but now I wish that we had crashed on Galbadian soil.

"Are you all right?"

I turned and was forced to squint again. Vaguely, I made out a man walking towards me. If it's Laguna, I'll…

"Squall!"

…make sure he'll stay dead.

"Are you all right, Squall?" His Highness, the King of Asking-Stupid-Obvious-Questions repeated. Do I look as if I have any bones broken or wounds bleeding? Do I look like I'm half-mad? No, I think I _will_ go mad soon. I ignored his question and turned away to head back inside. I _have_ to know if there's someone else alive. I don't _care_ if he's a terrorist or not. Anyone would be much better than him!

"Where are you going, Squall?" Hyne! Am I really his…no! Of course not! My _real_ father died…long ago.

The spell had already died out and I hesitated. If I was really stranded somewhere far from civilization, I have to save my precious spells. Who knows if there are any monsters that carry Fire spells?

Trying to remember where I had left Nida, I felt my way through the rubble. He stumbled behind me and once I heard a crash and a yell from him. I had a hard time trying not to smirk. I suppose it doesn't matter since it's dark as hell in here but…

Feeling something soft and limp against my shoes, I bent down to have a closer look. Straining in the dark, I managed to make out the face. No, it's not Nida. Only one of them. I continued making my way through the room and almost by accident, I found Nida.

A lump was rising in my throat but I swallowed and reached for his forehead. It was already cold but a little warmth was left. I could just barely do this… I shuddered as I felt tendrils of magic rush through my fingers and up my arm, across my body, through my neck and finally settling into my head. The exhausting and most difficult part was next and I steadied myself against the wall. Laguna had fallen silent beside of me, no doubt wondering what I was doing. I blocked out all other thoughts and concentrated.

_Hyne, this isn't easy! I never liked junctioning two GFs at one time. But I can't let it go to waste. Its Garden property and I'm Garden's Commander. Nida, I'm sorry I can't give you a proper burial. I'm sorry that you had to die this way…_

_This is going to give me a major headache. But the worst is still to come. I can't believe I'm alone in the middle of nowhere with him! Nobody, nobody at all would believe this. I don't believe it either._

_Rinoa, you were right to be afraid for me. But I'm not going to let you be right by saying that you won't ever see me again. I'll find a way back, no matter what. I promise._

_I love you, Rinoa._

"Squall, are you all right?" An arm supported me as I swayed on my feet. I struggled but he held on firmly.

"Let me go!" I snarled and wrenched away. Glaring at what I hoped was his face - curse the darkness! - I gave him a warning.

"Lay one more finger on me and I'll make sure that you'll be wishing you had it back."

I was greeted with silence and I turned away. I don't have time to deal with this. I walked into the cockpit, nearly tripping over someone's body. Feeling around for my gun, I found it and searched in vain for more ammunition.

He cleared his throat and I turned around. "What?"

He said nothing but I dimly made out his hand holding out something. Blinking one more time, I stared harder. Bullets. I nodded, not caring if he could see me or not. Silently, we began searching through the cockpit for anything useful. If he could be as quiet as this for the rest of this, I won't need to pump lead into him.

Outside the airship, we examined the things we salvaged from the airship. Again, none of us said anything as we took stock of our inventory. The result was that we had enough weapons and medical supplies to last for a week. Ten days if we were extremely careful. Longer if we don't meet any monsters. Fat hope!

I took another glance around me, desperately praying to see some form of civilization or escape. Nothing. I was stuck on a barren island with no one but a moron to accompany me.

"What was that you were doing to the SeeD in there?" His voice cut through the silence I was beginning to get used to.

Without glancing at him, I replied. "Drawing his Guardian Force."

"But he was already…"

"As long as you do it before he loses his body warmth, it's possible."

"What Guardian Force is that?"

"…Doomtrain."

"Do you have any idea where we are?"

"I don't know." I had a nagging feeling that I should know where we were but I didn't. It was almost as if I had been here before. What a feeling of déjà vu…

"Centra!"

Laguna looked at me, half-bewildered half-amazed. "What?"

"Centra. We're on one of the Centra Islands."

"The larger ones or the tiny ones?"

"The large one. If I'm not wrong, there is a Chocobo Forest to the East of our location." Of course! How could I forget? The sea on both sides of us. Absolute no flora or fauna around. I shouldn't have forgotten but it has been sometime ago. When we were in Time Compression, we came out through one of the doorways to look for the Ragnorok. Selphie insisted that the Ragnorok was somewhere on the Centra and refused to listen to sense. How she ever knew, I'll never find out. She has a six sense when it concerns the Ragnorok…and Irvine.

"Then let's get going!"

* * *

Red and gold mixing together. Sparks flying away. Light dancing across our skin, defying the dark to conquer it. The smell wasn't the most pleasant of odors but survival does not allow luxury.

I stared into the fire, watching it lick the bones of the Chimera we had killed earlier. The meat was the worst I had ever tasted but there was nothing else to eat. The trip was only supposed to be a short one and there weren't any food rations on board the airship. The three canteens that we found were filled with water and were the most precious thing we had, even more so than our medical supplies. What is the use of not having any status attacks if we don't have water?

How long have we been walking? Hours. How far are we from the crashed site? Probably less than a few miles. I don't know when we will reach the Forest but I only hope that we would reach there before our supplies run out. At least I wasn't so exhausted now that I had passed Doomtrain over to him. Bahamut is enough for anyone to handle.

I could not resist glancing at Laguna. He was staring at me. I narrowed my eyes and glared back at him. This time however, he did not back down as he usually did. Instead he continued staring at me, his glance never wavering. I glared harder, trying to burn through his eyes, trying to make him feel guilty. But he just stared and stared and stared.

For a long time, we were looking at each other like this. My eyes were aching but he was still staring at me. I will not let him see me defeated! So I stared back. Then, his lips moved. What did he say? No, I won't ask. If he wanted to tell me what he said, then he can speak louder. But he was silent again and that stare was still fixed on me.

Tired of it but unwilling to give up, I studied his face. It was a face I had seen many times when Ellone had sent my consciousness back to the past. That was a younger face and one I was indifferent to. This one was different. It was still the same face, older and more tired. But I hate it. I hate every inch of it. I hate it so much that I wish never to see it again. But I'm still staring at him because I want to show him that I don't need him at all. I want him to know that I hate everything about him, that I wish I never knew him at all.

Finally, he shook his head and closed his eyes and muttered something again. I was exhilarated that I had beaten him at his own game but then, he spoke again. This time, I wanted to know what he was saying.

"No, I don't know you at all."

I frowned. "Of course you don't know me! You made sure of that a long time ago." I snapped at him.

He shook his head again. "No, you don't understand. I meant it in a different way."

I stared at him in confusion. What was he talking about?

"I was looking at you to see who you resembled the most. Raine or me."

"I am _not_ your son!" I yelled at him.

"Shut up and listen to me!" He ordered calmly. Before I could retort furiously, he cut in again.

"I was looking at you to see if you really looked all like Raine. You do. Almost everything about you resembles her. I see almost nothing of me in you. Even your mannerisms are like hers. You are indeed Raine's boy, the son she always wanted. She would have been so proud of you."

His voice was faltering and I prepared to speak my mind before he could interrupt. But he continued on smoothly, ignoring me.

"But she wouldn't have been proud of me and I know why. She would forgive me for not being with her when she needed me, I am sure of it. But she would not be proud of me now. I have not been able to be a father to you. I failed the person she entrusted to me when she died."

He looked at me again but I was silent. I didn't know what to say.

"You hate me. You hate every inch of my body. You hate every piece of my soul. You would have let me be killed in cold-blood and not even turn a hair. Perhaps you wouldn't kill me yourself but you would be glad to let someone else do the dirty work. You only rescued me because it was your duty."

The word awakened something in my mind and it came to the fore now.

"I hate you because _you_ killed Nida! It's all _your_ fault that Nida died! You are right in saying that I would let you die because I hate you! You have caused nothing but suffering to me! Now you dare claim that I am _your_ son?! I am _not_ your son, I never was _your_ son and I never will be _your_ son. I have no father because he died trying to save my mother. The man you are is nothing but a coward who can't even protect the people he claims to love! You are the one that killed my mother!"

As I poured out my anger at him, his eyes were changing from pain to wonder then to anger.

"I did _not_ kill Raine! I loved her to the end of her days and I will continue loving her to the end of my days. I wanted to reconcile with you by being your father again but now you claim that I kill her?" He shouted.

"You killed her by leaving her! She died of a broken heart because of you!" I shouted back.

"That is _not_ true! She did _not_ die because of me!"

"Then what _did_ she die of, Laguna? Tell me! Did the soldiers from Esthar came after her and ripped her apart? Was she left alone and pregnant in a house which was invaded by brutes that murdered her in cold blood?"

"No! She died because of you!" He roared.

I stopped short then. What? Raine died because of me? My own mother died because of me?

"I was told by the old lady that lives in Winhill that she died while giving birth to you. She was with her while she was in labour. Raine lost too much blood and it was impossible to get help for her. She named you before she passed away." His voice was breaking again and I couldn't speak as well.

I was silent as I thought about everything. He…he wasn't the cause of her death. She died because of me. Because she had a difficult birth. Because of me. Hyne Almighty! Why? _Why_ did I have to kill the one that could have changed my whole life?

"Squall, I wanted to tell you for so long how much I love you. You're my son, my only child of my blood. You accept Ellone as your sister. Why won't you accept me as your father?"

I couldn't look at him. My thoughts were running through my mind, disturbing my peace. This can't be true. It couldn't be like this. It shouldn't be like this!

"I know I've failed you several times in the past but I want to make it up to you. You don't know how sorry I am that I never went back to Winhill to look for all of you. I never stop regretting it every second, every minute, every hour and every day of my life. I know there is nothing I could ever do to bring Raine back and so I want to make sure I don't do the same mistake with you. Squall, please. Forgive me."

I can't. Damn it! I can't. You…you're the cause of my suffering. I won't forgive you for this!

"Squall, you're my son and I love you."

I looked at him full in the face then. Staring coldly at him, I asked him a simple question. "How much?"

He was thrown of his balance. "What?"

"How much do you say you love me? You said that you love me and want me to forgive you. How much then? How do I know that you won't fail me again?" I demanded, steadying my voice.

His answer was quick but I had no doubts of its sincerity. "If I had to, I would die to save you and show you how much I love you."

I swallowed hard and summoned up every ounce of courage and strength that I had. Keeping a firm check on myself, I replied back. "Then drop dead, Laguna."

I reached down and grabbed my own supplies and gun. I turned to leave, never wanting to see him again. If he followed me…no, he wouldn't. He would not follow me after I told him that.

"Squall! Behind you!" A roar accompanied his cry and I spun swiftly around to face a huge Ruby Dragon. Dropping my bundle, I raised my gun to fire but the monster swiped me with a claw. Thrown to the side, I was stunned for a while but forced myself to rise to my feet. It exhaled a burst of flames at me and the fire seared through my skin, stinging me. The damage was not severe, thanks to my Fira junctions but I was angry enough to kill it with my bare hands now.

Several bullets that I fired bounced off his scaly skin and soon I was out of ammo. Desperately, I hurriedly refilled the empty barrel while leaping away from the monster's grasp. A few more bullets echoed from behind it and it screamed in pain. Evidently, his bullets have found its weak spot. Readying a Holy spell, I concentrated but the brute whipped me aside again with its tail. As I fought to stay awake, the Ruby Dragon looked to be casting a spell. Heavy rocks began falling on me and I crawled from side to side to avoid the dangerous Meteor spell. One huge boulder hit my face however and I fell back. As I lost consciousness, I noticed that I was disappearing from the battle field and Doomtrain had appeared. Then my eyes closed and the last thought that I could think of was of Rinoa.

* * *

**Notes:** This chapter was partly inspired by **Persephone's** story, Father to Son. I owe this story's inspiration to her. Thanks for you and **Athene Miranda's** help!

FFN's review page is still down so I guess it'll be hard for me to know how I did on this one. Still, I hope you're all enjoying this as I am.


	16. Chapter 14: Decisions

Chapter 14: Decisions 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

Guilt is the most destructive of all emotions. 

It mourns what has been 

while playing no part in what may be, 

now or in the future.

**_-- Penelope Leach_**

* * *

"Squall!"

My gun dropped from my hands and I rushed to his side. Vaguely, I heard the Ruby Dragon cry out but it didn't matter to me anymore. Only Squall. Only my son's life mattered.

Blood poured out of his face and gashes ran across his face. Some could rival the one he already had between his eyes and some were relatively minor. Relatively. My son's face was filled with bruises and cuts so horrible I could barely stand to look.

He didn't respond to my calls and neither did he move when I slid my arms underneath him to lift him up. But as I struggled to rise to my feet, something thick and scaly swiped me across my back. Squall dropped out of my arms as I went flat on my face. The Ruby Dragon is still alive and out for revenge. Before I could roll out of the way, another whip of his tail came crashing down on back. My nerves screamed out in pain but I felt a different kind of pain deep down.

A cold rage seemed to have taken hold of me. I slowly got to my feet and faced the Ruby Dragon. It looked wounded from my summon but it could still take me out easily. Like how he took out Squall.

I fixed my eyes on him and we neither of us moved an inch. He eyed me just as stonily and seemed to be contemplating his next move. A faint bell began tinkling in my head, telling me that something was different. At first I thought it was just the pale moonlight shining down which made it look unusual. Then I realized what it was. Its usual scarlet brilliance had turned to a dull red and its horns were mauve in color. It awakened a memory of long ago when I was struggling to make ends meet through acting…

The beast gave a roar and lifted a claw to swipe at me again. Then, I lost it. I shouted a loud primal call back at him and rushed at him. Weaponless and half-crazy, I rained blow after blow deep into the monster's body and head. Once a stray hit struck its eye and it cried in pain. It tried desperately to defend itself from the mad man that was me but I was not going to let him go.

You…bastard…….of a….dragon…… You're……..going…to…….bear……your…..scars….for....the rest of….your….life….like……..what……you did….to…my son…... If….you…._do_…live.

I panted as I punched and kicked the monster until I felt my strength draining out of my arms. Still, I kept on beating it like a punching bag. Every feeling of rage and anger and hurt, I poured it out entirely and withheld nothing.

I…will…kill…you…….

The monster opened it's mouth to utter one final roar of defiance but I beat him to it. Screaming out a battle cry of my own, I landed my fist into it's face and let it slump back to the ground, dead and defeated. I had done it! I have defeated a Ruby Dragon all on my own!

But reality gave me a wake-up call. I caught sight of grey and black out of the corner of my eye and abandoned my victory celebration. Now that the danger was over, I dropped to my knees beside of him and tore off his gloves. I held my breath and felt for his pulse. I began to count the seconds ticking past. Then I felt it. It was so weak at first that I had nearly missed it. But it came again. Again and again. Squall was still but barely alive. I gently laid his hand down by his side and rummaged through his scattered supplies. Surely there must be a Phoenix Down or anything of that sort in here…

Potions, Antidotes, one Remedy and one Elixir but not a single Phoenix Down. I had no Life spells with me either. Damn!

I ran back to the campfire which had died out by now and searched through my own supplies. Nothing useful turned up. Nothing that would revive Squall anyway. These could only be used for those that were still conscious.

I gathered up my belongings and went to retrieve my gun. I could not stay. The dead dragon's corpse was already drawing predators to feast on it's remains and it would be dangerous not to mention stupid to stay, hopelessly defenseless alone. Something glinted at me on the ground as I picked up my gun. Reaching for it, I placed it in my palm to have a closer look. It was the dragon's fang. Somehow it had loosened itself in the fight and had fallen off. Its edge was still sharp and could cut off my hand if I wasn't careful. I could think of no use for it and discarded it.

When I reached where I had left Squall, he was still unconscious and didn't respond when I accidentally dropped one of the Potions I was carrying. It spilt on the ground and the precious liquid was absorbed into the ground. I had wasted a good Potion but it was no use crying over it. I had to get Squall out of here and there's only one way I could do that with him in his state…carry him.

Packing all of the supplies into the bag I carried with me, I picked up Squall's gun and mine. There was no way I could possibly carry both of them at once unless I abandoned the bag which was not an option. I made my choice and strapped my gun on my hip. I pocketed the ammo however and the extra went into Squall's own pockets. Slipping the bag's strap on my shoulder, I was all secured. Then I bent down and gently lifted Squall up in my arms. Even though my knees were buckling under his weight, I gritted my teeth and took a step forward. With these burdens, I slowly walked into the distance, not even sure if I was heading in the right direction.

* * *

I don't remember how long I walked and neither did I remember how I found the extra strength to soldier on. But now I was too tired to go any further. I should be far enough from the Ruby Dragon. This should be a safe place to rest. It has to be. I couldn't go on. Not tonight anyway.

Lowering Squall to the ground, I searched through my bag to find a Tent. I found two. Spreading one out on the ground, I picked Squall up and placed him at the very entrance of it. There was room enough for two but sleep will come much later for me. Now I had to act as doctor for the two of us. I lit a fire and turned to examine Squall.

His face was badly wounded and when I took his jacket off, blood had stained his white shirt. I laid his jacket aside and began to bandage up his wounds. As far as I could tell, he had no bones broken but had only cuts and bruises. And he was unconscious. I found scars on his right knuckles. I wonder how he got those. They looked newer than the rest of the faded scars I had found. Even though I knew it was pointless, I grabbed a Hi-Potion, unscrewed the cap and poured the contents down his throat. Some spilled out of his mouth but I managed to manipulate them down his throat.

When I had finished on him, he looked much better despite the severe wounds and the pallor of his face. I looked down at myself and realized that I needed medical attention myself. My hands had bled from punching the dragon and sore from carrying Squall through the barren land. Under normal circumstances, I would need to give it a rest for the next fortnight but I doubt that I had that luxury now. Everything I do now would be on my own. I had no help and I had nothing to call for help.

It took a long time before I was finally done but downing a Potion helped a lot. Dawn was only a few hours away and that was the time I had to get some sleep. I was too tired to keep awake to watch for lurking predators and left the fire burning. I can only pray that the faeries or Hyne or the Powers that May Be would be watching out for us tonight. I had not the strength to do that now.

* * *

I have been walking for three days now and Squall was still unconscious. How long can I keep this up? How long will my strength last before I finally collapse? How long could I possibly take this anymore?

Forcing Squall to drink Potion after Potion seemed to have an effect on him despite his comatose state. When the Potions gave out, I started on the Hi-potions. Already his wounds had healed and the deathly paleness had lifted, returning him to his almost normal look. But he was still down for the count and for that, I am nearly at my wits ends.

Whispers began to haunt my mind, both tormenting me and persuading me. As I felt Squall's weight on my back where I had switched him to and the weight of my bag in front of me, the whispers were seducing and enticing.

_'Why don't you just leave him here and save your own skin?'_

_'He told you to drop dead, didn't he? How could you still see him as your son?'_

_'Squall didn't even give you a chance. Why give him one?'_

The whispers never left my side and throughout the night, I would wake up only to hear the whispers begin their harangue again. Nothing I did could tune them out. Nothing. I was close to insanity.

_'Wouldn't it be easier to just put him down in one spot and let him slowly fade away to death? You wouldn't need to carry anymore dead weight.'_

_'He told you that you killed his mother, the woman you loved so much. Can you even forgive him for that?'_

_'Look over there! You could just put him down by that rock there and leave. If anyone asks, say that a monster had attacked you two and he had died in that attack.'_

_'Nobody would ever know…'_

Nobody would even know. It was true. Even if they found his body, they would agree with my story of an attack because it was partly true. I only had to 'forget' to tell them about abandoning his breathing body.

_'Be a man for once, Laguna. Save yourself.'_

_'Forget about him. He wouldn't even lift a finger to help you if you were him.'_

_'Do you think he would want to see you when he wakes up? No!'_

They were right. Everything they said was right. He would have killed me if he had the chance. He said so himself. Why should I help him? He already denounced me as his father. Shouldn't I disown him as well?

_'Do it, Laguna. Do it!'_

_'Just stop and put him down. Its so easy. Even a baby could do it!'_

_'Rinoa and Ellone would never know. Raine would have done the same thing.'_

No!!

I screamed and the silence was shattered. The whispers disappeared and I was left alone again. But I continued to scream. Raine wouldn't have done it. Raine would _never_ do it. She would have continued on to the ends of the earth if she had to. How could I even _think_ such a thing?

Gently lowering Squall to the ground, I tossed my bag down and turned to scream at the air. Dear Hyne! Why am I thinking such thoughts? My own son. My own flesh and blood. How could I? How _could_ I??

I began to sob aloud and my tears rolled down my face and splattered on the dry ground. A puddle began to form in front of my feet and it was steadily growing by the minute. I cried myself out, berating myself for thinking such evil thoughts. I vowed to myself that I would not let Raine down again. I would not let Ellone, Rinoa, Kiros and Ward down. I would not let Squall down.

I turned around to pick Squall up again and then I saw it. A dark opening on the cliff in the distance…

* * *

I laid Squall down on the cold floor. His face showed no signs of waking up but he looked like he was sleeping. Maybe he was. Maybe he'll wake up soon. Maybe we can somehow get out of here.

The cave was a small one and had not been recently inhibited. It wasn't too hot or too cold and it had a few rock formations that made it perfect as pillows. If you want them hard. The cave was an ideal place to stay for the night. Or for the rest of the time we wait for rescue.

The idea was tempting. Walking for four days on end had taken its toll on me. I did not think I could possibly go through another day of it, nor another week.

The thought frightened me and I made my decision. I would just have to rely on Fate now for rescue to come. That is, until I can get Squall to wake up.

I drew out some Chimera meat which I had recently killed and sank my teeth into it. I still couldn't get used to the taste but at least I had something to eat. Already I had lost what fat I had on my arms and my stomach. I'm sure that if I looked into a mirror, I wouldn't be able to sleep at all.

Leaning my head against the wall, I tried to rest myself. But I was still too restless from the whispers that had only just stopped tormenting me. I needed to distract myself. My mind turned to the day before we had been attacked by the Ruby Dragon. My thoughts flew to our conversations and despite myself; I couldn't help rehashing over them again. We were in Centra. We needed to get to the Chocobo Forest and maybe get some help. We junctioned Guardian Forces…

Guardian Forces! My mind screamed at me and I was close to banging my head against the wall. Why haven't I thought of it? I could have saved so many wasted hours and strength. I could have saved myself from worrying so much.

I hurried over to Squall's side and knelt down. I have no idea how to do this but I have to try. I took a deep breath and laid my hand on his forehead. Nothing happened. I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate like how I had seen him do it. I had almost decided to take a break from this when I felt myself go dizzy. Then I was in.

Squall's mind was a nightmare of confusion. Fragments of memories floated past me but I couldn't make them out clearly. It was like staring at a reflection in rippling water. Confusion. The only word that could describe it.

I wandered through his mind, trying to somehow find where he kept his magic. Surely the Commander of SeeD and Garden would keep a Life spell for emergencies.

Another memory fragment came floating by but this one caught my attention. There was a gravestone in the background. Raine's.

I stared at it and saw Squall smashing his fist down on the gravestone. I leaned closer to listen to his muttering lips. He said that he had erased the name that had let them both down. Squall had just cursed my name.

I closed my eyes. No, this can't be. Squall couldn't have done that. But he was the last person I found there. He even had the scars on his hand…

Somehow as I stumbled around, I ended up where Squall kept his magic. It was filled with swirls and colors that gave off auras. I shivered. I had to get the Life spell and get out of here. I could feel hatred around me.

There wasn't a huge, bright neon sign that announced 'Life' in capital letters but I found it anyway. I don't know how but I did. I took one and concentrated again. I felt the same dizziness again and then I opened my eyes to find myself nearly falling on top of Squall.

I had no time to waste so I prepared the spell. Careful not to miss my aim, I cast Life on Squall and then stepped back to wait for the results.

Nothing happened at first and I was ready to give up in despair when he made just the slightest of movements. The very slightest. His lips opened and he began to breath normally. I sat back, unable to feel any emotion except despair.

Squall…Squall did it. He really does hate me. He would even desecrate Raine's grave just to defile my name. I was a fool. I had been wishing in vain. He was murmuring something and I leaned closer to listen. He was calling Rinoa's name. He said something else as well and I listened as misery began to rise in me. Then I remembered what I hadn't told Squall.

_'Being the president of the most powerful nation or the commander of the most powerful military organization doesn't mean you're what we want. Sometimes, you have to scatter the crumbs before you can capture the canary. Or canaries in this case.'_

Ellone and Rinoa were the canaries to be captured and we were the crumbs to bait them. For the both of them would willingly give themselves up for our lives. How could I have thought that the Time-traveler and the Sorceress would be a more tempting capture than the President and the Commander? But Hagarn was dead and we were safe. For now.

Another thought struck me and I began to follow its lead. I won't let Squall blame me for enticing Ellone and Rinoa to be captured. I won't let him be bothered over me anymore either. I won't let him be separated from Rinoa. There's only one way out of this. He's conscious now and rescue would come. Its only a matter of time.

I picked up the only Elixir we had and poured it down Squall's throat. Then I whispered into his ear to be strong and to go back to Rinoa. I turned and went out of the cave opening. There is only one way and I am taking it.

* * *

**Notes:** FFN's problems have caused a long delay but this chapter is finally up. Tell me what you think. I really miss all of your reviews.


	17. Chapter 15: Rescue

Chapter 15: Rescue 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

* * *

_"Do you ever wish that your life was different?"_

"…why do you ask?"

"Sometimes I do. Sometimes I dream that my life was different, that I wasn't an orphan. Sometimes I think back to that day and wished that I had done something to stop her from going…"

"You didn't know what would have happened. It's not your fault."

"But I feel that it is. Ever since she died, everything changed. I drifted away from that man and left to join the Timber Owls. Perhaps if I had begged her to stay with me that night, she wouldn't have died."

"Rinoa, it's over. It's in the past."

"I still can't help it. I…I miss her."

"Your life could have been different, Rinoa but so would my life. I would have never met you. Without you, I wouldn't have lived."

"…do you mean it, Squall?"

"I mean it, Rinoa. Every word of it."

"Then promise me that you won't leave me. Promise me that you'll come back to me no matter how far away you are. Tell me that you will keep the promise you made to me."

"I promise Rinoa."

* * *

I promise you, Rinoa. I'll come back.

_Be strong, Squall._

I'll come back to be with you, Rinoa. I won't leave you alone.

_Never forget who you are._

I'll keep my promise, the promise we made in the flower fields.

_Never forget the ones that love you._

No matter what, nothing will stop me from seeing your face again.

_Never forget the one you love._

From hearing your voice, from touching your cheek.

_I will always be by your side when you need me._

I'll stand by you until the world is torn apart and the end has come.

_Go back to her and live._

Because I cannot live without you.

_This is goodbye._

This is not goodbye.

_I love you, Squall._

I love you, Rinoa.

* * *

I have to find Rinoa. I have to go back to her. I have to keep our promise. But where am I?

This cave…it doesn't look familiar. I was knocked out by a Ruby Dragon. Could it have dragged me in here?

I leapt to my feet and looked around. My muscles were aching but I felt little pain. Only a slight feeling of lethargy. I looked at my hands. Bandaged and cured. I lifted a hand and touched my face gently. I can feel outlines of cuts but they were healed and none were left open. Who saved me? Laguna? No, he couldn't have. He couldn't possibly survive a Ruby Dragon beating and neither do I care if he does. I don't want to see him again, ever.

My eyes searched the cave but I saw no one. I was alone in the cave. Then how did I get here? Surely if I was the only survivor, I would have been eaten by predators long ago!

How long have I been here? What day is this? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month?

I touched my wounds again and winced slightly. No, it could only have been a few days. I don't know how long and I had no way of telling. My watch had been taken by those Galbadian rebels.

Then I noticed it. A little slab of meat beside the place where I last lay. I picked it up and sniffed it before recoiling in disgust. Chimera meat. I should have known. It still had a little blood on it but it was edible. Someone had killed it and cooked it. Could that someone had found me and brought me to his home?

I turned to examine for signs of any sort person or creature dwelling in here. But there was nothing here. Perhaps the person who saved me just brought me here for a while. This cave didn't seem to have any other hosts except for me. Not even a Red Bat or two. Then I remembered. I was on Centra, a place which was mostly deserted save for the few monsters that were descendents from the Lunar Cry.

I contemplated staying to wait for whoever was taking care of me. But who knew when he might come back? Perhaps I should take a look outside and see if I can recognize my surroundings.

Searching for my gun, I found ammo in my pockets instead. They were still unused but what good were they without a gun to fire them? I left them in my pockets and looked around for another weapon. I stopped and smacked myself in the forehead. Hyne! What was I thinking? I've already established that this wasn't a dwelling place for anyone - or anything. Someone obviously saved me, judging by the amount of bandages on my body. I just don't know who.

I gave up and decided to just look outside. If there was anything outside, I was going to have to depend on magic and Bahamut. I wished I haven't relied so heavily on Lionheart. Still, what could be worse than Ultimecia armed with Apocalypse?

Cautiously I looked outside, prepared for any action that might come. I was on a cliff that was high enough to keep predators away. Still I could see a slope to the left side of me so still taking precautions, I walked out of the cave and down the cliff. Just before I had made it all the way down, I saw who had saved me.

He was half-lying, half-sitting on the ground with his eyes closed. Before I could turn my back to him, he opened his eyes and looked at me. Then he called me.

"Squall…you're awake at last." He gasped out before struggling to his feet. I watched him, making no attempt to move to his side. If he's trying to get sympathy, he's looking at the wrong person. He was all right as far as I could see.

"You…better start a fire outside…of the cave. Or they won't…see us." His words were strained but I don't care.

"How did I get here?" I ask him suspiciously.

He shook his head. "It…doesn't matter. Light the fire. Or they'll pass us by." His words chilled me.

"What are you talking about?"

"They're coming…" was his only answer.

"How would you know?" I demanded.

"Just do it."

Something about his tone made me obey and I went back up the cliff. After scouring around for a while, I found a few bones and shriveled twigs to start a fire. I cast a Fira spell on the twigs but apparently he didn't seem to think it was enough. Glaring at him all the while, I used a Firaga spell and the fire burned even brighter. Surely he's happy now.

He was leaning on the cave wall when I looked and his eyes were closed. He looked like he was sleeping but pain seemed etched across his face. What did he do to look so exhausted?

My hand which was hanging limply down my side felt a bulge on my pants. I dug into my pocket and drew out a Potion. Hyne knows how it got there but perhaps it'll make him stop looking like some sick puppy.

I shook his shoulder not too roughly and waved the bottle in front of him. He seemed to have trouble focusing but shook his head when he realized what it was. I shrugged. Have it your way. I turned my attention back to the fire and searched the sky for signs of rescue. Isn't that why he wanted that fire? So that anyone from above can see the light below?

Sitting down far from the fire so that I wouldn't be scorched, I began to puzzle out my situation. Somehow I had been dragged to this cave on top of this cliff and kept alive. That must be how he got me up here. He dragged me. Surely there was no other way I could have gotten up here unless I sleepwalked. I don't anyway. He might have had a Float spell with him but they would have ran out after a while considering that they only lasted at the most - and if you were exceptionally lucky - fifteen minutes. I know. Instructor Loni once told me that.

I wonder why he revived me. He could have just left me there to die. Could there be another reason? Perhaps that sorry jerk still thinks that I'll forgive him because I owe him my life. How long will it take him to get that I don't give a damn about him at all? I never did and I still don't. I will have nothing to do with him anymore after this. Xu or Quistis will just have to take care of all Estharian affairs from now on. I wash my hands of him and his precious country.

A ragged whimper tore me away from my thoughts and I glared across the cave. His eyes were still closed and his lips were drawn into a tight line. I frowned. What the hell is wrong with him? He doesn't have any serious wounds that needed attention. Does he really think that I'm going to go over and start pampering him? He didn't want the Potion so he can't blame me for asking. Damn pathetic sod!

A sudden wind began billowing around us and a loud humming sound followed. I looked up to see an airship approaching us, nearly blowing the fire off. Rescue!

"President Loire? Commander Leonhart? Is that you?" A yell from the inside of the airship.

"I'm Commander Leonhart. We're both safe and sound!"

"Oh Hyne! We've found them! We've found the both of them! Hang on, Commander! We'll be landing down there!"

I rushed over to Laguna's side and shook him. Wake up! Stop pretending to be more hurt than you really are! They're here!

He opened his eyes and stared at me blankly for a while. Hyne I never felt so much like slapping him now! He blinked and got to his feet before I could follow through with my intention though. Frustrated with him, I grabbed his arm and pulled him into step with me. He staggered around in a daze but I had had enough. Firmly holding on to him, I walked the both of us down to the waiting airship where a few soldiers leapt out to us. Estharians.

They took hold of Laguna while someone else from inside yelled at me to get on. I climbed in and the last soldier behind of me slid back the door. We were rescued and I was going home to Rinoa.

* * *

**Notes:** Well, they're off Centra now and heading back home. Still wondering what else I'm going to do with them anyone? *grins slyly*


	18. Chapter 16: Dreams

Chapter 16: Dreams 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

* * *

"How long has she been in labour?"

"Ten hours. The water broke at dawn."

"How far apart?"

"About five minutes."

"Get me some more warm water. The rest of you get out of the room and watch the little girl! Don't any of you dare come in here without my permission! You! Close the door after them and stay. I may need some help."

I screamed again. The pain was shooting through me and all I could do was moan. Dear Hyne, where is he? I need him!

"Where's the water, damn it? She's about to give birth here!"

"Take it easy now, dear. Breathe slowly. Don't exert yourself so much."

The pain struck again. I clutched wildly at the sheets. Where is he??

"Keep her calm and don't let her faint. She has to stay awake!"

"Just follow me, dear. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. In…out…in…out…"

I tried to follow but my strength was already waning. Judith was sponging my face and Mrs. Lacey was holding my hand tightly. Another contraction came.

"The head's coming out. Push now, push!"

"Come on, dear. You're going to have to push."

I strained with all my might. Throwing back my head, I cried out long and hard.

"Hyne Almighty! Spare her and the baby!"

No! Our baby can't die! It mustn't! I gripped her hand tightly and bore down. I was already hearing the beginnings of a wail. Inhaling deeply, I gathered up every bit of strength I had left and pushed hard.

"Laguna!!!"

* * *

"Her hips were too narrow and the doctor couldn't do anything about it. Deling City was too far away for them to take her there."

"But how did she…"

"She lost too much blood in her labour. We couldn't stop the bleeding and she was going fast."

"What did she say about the baby?"

"When we told her that it was a boy, she said that we were to tell his father that his name was Squall. She said that when the storm clouds and the waters came together, a squall would be formed. She was so tired but she wouldn't rest."

"Did she…did she say anything before she died?"

"Only that she forgives you."

* * *

"I'm sorry I have to go but I have to get Ellone back. I can't let those bastards take her."

"I know, Laguna. I understand."

"Do you truly?"

"She is like your daughter. You love her. What is there that I cannot understand?"

"But aren't you angry that I have to leave you here all alone?"

"I'm not alone, Laguna. Judith will come and stay with me to keep me company. Ellone is the one who needs you more."

"You're so unselfish, Raine."

"You taught me to share what I love most. Who I love most."

"I promise Raine, I'll come back to you. I'll bring Elle back and we'll be together again like a family. Our family."

"I know you will, Laguna. I trust you."

* * *

"Uncle Laguna…you have a son by Raine."

"What?!"

"Its true. Raine gave birth to him two weeks after you sent me back to Winhill."

"T-that can't be! W-why didn't anyone tell me?"

"We tried to tell you but there wasn't any way. Aunt Judith and Mrs. Lacey were the only ones who wanted to tell you. The others didn't let them. They hated you."

"Then is he…alive?"

"Yes. Aunt Judith couldn't take care of us because they said that Estharian soldiers were on the way. She took us both to Matron, Edea. She had an orphanage on Centra."

"Where is he now?"

"In Balamb Garden. He's the Commander there."

"What is his name?"

"Squall Leonhart…"

* * *

"Hang in there, Mr. President! We're getting you back to Esthar straight away."

I squeezed my eyes tightly and groaned softly. Or so I thought. I felt someone hovering over me. I opened my eyes.

"President Loire, drink this." A hand shoved a bottle of the liquid I had come to know very well into my face. I made a horrible grimace and pressed my head backwards. The hard floor wouldn't allow me to sink through it though.

"You have to drink it, sir. It'll heal your injuries until we get you to a doctor."

I shook my head and my face was twisted into a worse grimace. I could feel it working deep inside of me and I did not want it to go to waste. I gestured to him that I was fine and waved him away. He hesitated but when I pointed at him to leave, he did. I have to bear this out myself.

A sudden feeling of nausea took over me and I fought the urge to pour my guts out on the floor. Must not attract attention. My stomach rumbled and the ache in my side grew steadily stronger. I ignored the pain and concentrated on my dreams. Even now, I could still feel the aftermath of it all.

Elle must have sent them. I rarely remembered past history with such clarity. It was almost as if I was there in the living flesh. Is this what she calls sending people to the past? I don't know. This is the first time for me. Perhaps that was the only way for her to find out where we were. I only said one sentence to her before I was sent into another dream.

Raine…I felt your pain. I felt it so vividly that I broke down and cried while I was still in you. Although I shared it, I wish I could have taken it all from you and bore it myself. I don't deserve to live after what you went through. But I'm bearing the pain now. Like you, I am brave enough to face up to it. I can't redeem myself wholly but at least I know that I've tried.

I mustn't give up now. I still have a long way to go. It's not over yet. It will come soon but until then, I will bear it. I only have a little while more before… I have to see them again one last time.

Another wave of nausea swept over me again and it was all I can do from not contorting into a sick ball of vomit. The soldier standing guard at the doorway was staring curiously at me.

* * *

Voices surrounded me and I was driven to confusion. Yet out of the clamoring din, I managed to pick _their_ voices out.

"Uncle Laguna, please open your eyes. Please?" I know that voice. It was the voice that pleaded with me when she wanted things her way.

"Laguna! Stop lying there and scaring us!" That one often tried to drive me insane but now…it was like music to my ears.

I can't hear the third voice but its only because it isn't there. I can only imagine what he's trying to say to me.

I know why they sound so worried. Perhaps it was the doctors that finally realized that something was wrong with me. Perhaps it was the soldier that was worried about me. Perhaps it was because they found the two bite marks on my right side. Perhaps they put two and two together to find out the truth. It doesn't matter; it's late for them to do anything.

The pain which had at first been fresh stings that shot through every nerve of my body had turned into a slow, ceaseless ache. It was torture and sometimes I felt like screaming out. But now I'm too weary and too sedated with every known anesthetic and morphine to kill the pain. It's almost time but I have one last thing to do.

I forced my eyes open and stared upwards at the ceiling. My vision was hazy and I couldn't see straight. Someone cried out that I was awake and the voices increased. Hyne! Get them all out of here!

I willed my arm to lift itself but it felt like a huge block of granite that would not move no matter how hard I tried. I gave up after a while and tried to look around the room. Someone must see what I'm trying to say.

A moving flash of blue and green. Ellone? Surely the green is her scarf? Who is it? I can't see clearly.

"Uncle Laguna!"

"All of you get out now! Leave us with President Loire." Someone ordered. Kiros, I think.

"Laguna…how?" A face loomed near mine and I thought I saw something sparkle on it. Tears? "Why didn't you tell us about that?"

I shook my head but Kiros had already cut in.

"Damn it Laguna! Why didn't you tell them that you were poisoned??" Vaguely, I saw Ward nodding his head and gesturing. I don't know what he's saying. I can't see anything but colors that had little shape.

My lips parted and I tried to speak. I have to give them the message before I go.

"Tell…Squall. This…is how much I love him."

Everything in the room began to fade and I closed my eyes. The drugs were working their effects on me.

* * *

**Notes:** Only a few more chapters to go before the ending! Anyone care to guess what it's going to be?


	19. Chapter 17: Desperation

Chapter 17: Desperation 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." 

--Sydney J. Harris

* * *

I never want to let go of her.

I held her close to me. I'm not going to let go. I don't care what everyone else is thinking or saying. Nothing else around us matters. I've gone to hell and back. Now the angel from heaven which I thought I had lost forever was here in my arms.

She raised her head and looked at me. I looked back at her. In her eyes, I read of the pain, the suffering, the _torture_ I had put her through.

I swore to her. Never again!

Our lips met.

* * *

I sat back in my chair and looked at her. She caught my eyes and smiled. I smiled back. How could I have even decided to leave her? Her hand reached out to mine and the cool touch of her hand reassured me. She was real. It wasn't a dream.

The door opened. A week ago, I would have released my hand and turned to glare at the intruder. Now…I glanced at the door.

A woman in a white stainless smock. Glasses. Stethoscope around the neck. A clipboard in one hand and a pen in the other. Her feet made _'thock thock'_ sounds on the marble floor. I have a feeling that she's the old Instructor Trepe in a doctor's clothes.

"Commander Leonhart, why aren't you in bed?" Her voice sounded like Dr. Kadowaki when she was scolding me a year ago, after I ended up in bed with a lovely scar courtesy of Hyperion.

I looked at Rinoa who shook her head in protest.

"It wasn't me. He wanted to get up and wouldn't listen. So we compromised."

"I see." The doctor fixed a stern eye on me. I wonder what happened to my reputation as the cold commander who can cow anyone with just one look. Unless I really look that banged-up, I seem to be losing it. Did it really matter?

One glance at her face as she stared at her clipboard changed my mind. Rinoa saw my look of grimace and laughed silently. I mocked a glare at her which sent her into fits of giggles. The doctor looked up and Rinoa stared back at her innocently. She shrugged and turned to address me.

"We've come across a few surprising things while examining you. While your body is slightly dehydrated and you have a few bruises, you are perfectly fine. For someone who underwent two crashes and was knocked out for four days in the Centra, you're really something. I don't know how you did it but all I can say is that you're very lucky, young man."

She turned her attention back to her clipboard and began to search for something. What now? Was she going to pull out a certificate of commendation for surviving under extreme circumstances without killing their precious president? I think I deserved that, at the least. I can't wait to get off this country and go back to Garden. I've had enough of Estharians to last me a lifetime. I don't care if he's a Galbadian, screw him.

Rinoa leaned over and whispered in my ear. "Tell her to hurry it up and get out."

"She'll probably just stay longer in here. All these doctors are the same." I whispered back.

"Say you're tired or something."

Good idea. I turned to speak to the doctor but she spoke first.

"Although you'll probably say that you won't understand this, I think you'll find some interesting things in it that you might want to know." She handed me a few pieces of paper and nodded good day before walking out the door.

"What's that, Squall?"

I looked down at the papers. "Some medical reports. What's so interesting about my organs that I'd want to know?" A missing kidney or a collapsing heart perhaps?

"Let me see." Rinoa reached over to take the papers from me when the door opened again. My eyes flickered over to the entrance and then I almost wished I didn't.

No, it wasn't Laguna. I'm not sure if this is better or worse. It was Kiros.

He stood there in silence for a while. He was looking at me. I hardened my stare. Rinoa glanced from Kiros to me and got up.

"I think I'll go get some water. I'm feeling thirsty. Please don't do anything rash, Squall." She bent and brushed her lips against my cheek. Kiros smiled back at her as she walked out the door.

Do anything rash? I wonder what made her think of that.

Now there was only the two of us there. He was still looking at me, without saying a single word. Is this the kind of effect Laguna has on everybody or is it just me? I folded my arms and spoke.

"What?" Did Mr. President complained of my behavior or am I being arrested for manhandling him? I can think of a million other reasons.

"Laguna's dying."

As if I…_what_?? I sat and stared.

"Laguna Loire is dying."

You're…you're kidding. Right? I mean he's just unconscious from the fatigue. He's the worst excuse for a soldier. Come on. He can't be…

"This isn't a joke and I'm not testing to see if you have any emotions left in you. You know as well as I do that I'm telling the truth."

The worst thing is, I know he's telling the truth and he knows that I know. Damn.

I tried my best to look at him stonily, like how I do to Laguna when he's being his moronic self. "Cause?"

"Poisoning. Not a normal Bio spell. We found two bite marks on his right side. The doctors agree that it's from the tail of a Chimera, found only on Centra." He stared harder at me. "I think you have some explaining to do."

Please don't tell me you're serious. You think that I sent him into die from a snake bite and didn't tell anyone? Yes, I hate him but I certainly _did not_ let him get poisoned as far as I know. "You're wrong. I didn't even know he was poisoned."

He lifted an eyebrow. Surely he already knows what happened in Centra. One more explanation and I'll throw him out of the room, Estharian Minister or not.

He drew up a chair and sat in front of me. Good Hyne! I'm going to be interrogated here! I set my jaw and sent a strong message across to him with my eyes. He ignored it.

"There are some things I don't understand. They found you two about four days' walk from the crash site on the Serengetti Plains. You said that you were only a day's walk from the crash site when you were attacked by the Ruby Dragon and knocked out. How in the name of Hyne above did you get to that cave?"

I opened my mouth and then clamped it shut again. How _did_ I get there? Laguna didn't have any magic spells on him except for the ones we drew from the few Chimeras and Jelleyes we met. Unless he found a Float spell, I don't think we just appeared there out of thin air.

"We only found one Guardian Force junctioned to Laguna and its Doomtrain which according to our GF specialists, certainly doesn't have any spells that could alter his status to Float." That's true unless he was crazy enough to let Doomtrain run over him.

I stared at him without saying anything. This is his show, let him carry it.

"All I can think of is that he carried you."

Yeah. Right! I shook my head. It's ridiculous. He couldn't possibly have done that.

"Putting that aside for the moment, there is something else you should know. We found an Antidote on you when they found the both of you. If he was poisoned and I'm sure he knew that, why didn't he use it?" How the hell am I supposed to know??

He rose from his chair and stared down at me. "Squall, why didn't you give it to him?"

Every person has his limit and he's just pushed me over the maximum. "Look! I don't know why he didn't ask for the damn Antidote if he knew I had it. I offered him a Potion and he refused to take the damn thing. I really don't give a damn at all if he wants to die. If he really wants to die so much, then let him!"

"Your father is lying on his bed, dying and all you can say is that you don't care?" He roared.

"That man is _not_ my father and he can be eaten by Buels for all I care!" I shot back.

"You're nothing but a cold, heartless bastard. You don't even feel sorry that you've probably aided in the murder of your own father?" He spat out.

My eyes blazed and I pointed at the door. If he didn't go, I'll make him leave.

He promptly headed for the door. Just before he left, he tossed a few parting words to me.

"By the way, even though you don't deserve to hear this, Laguna said to tell you that this is how much he loves you."

With that, he left. I slumped back down in my chair and stared into space.

* * *

"Squall, what's wrong?"

I turned over and saw Rinoa looking at me concerned. I shook my head. Nothing's wrong.

"Tell me."

"…I can't sleep."

"Do you want to talk? I'm here, Squall."

I gripped the offered hand tightly. But I was still in turmoil.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Then, how can I help you? Shall I call the doctor?"

"No, I'll be fine. Go back to sleep."

She settled back in her chair and closed her eyes. She had said she didn't want to leave me and even the doctor couldn't get her to sleep in another room. She insisted on being by my bedside. I really don't mind at all.

I laid back in bed and stared at the ceiling. Soon, I heard steady breathing coming from the side of the bed. Rinoa was asleep.

Maybe, I should go now. She's so tired, she won't wake up until morning. Yes, now's the best time to go.

I got up from my bed and made my way to the exit. Exhaustion fell on me but I ignored it and walked out. The corridor was empty. Slowly, I made my way through the winding corridors. My legs were too tired to take it anymore. I still continued on.

I thought back to the report I had read after Kiros had left. A certain highlighted paragraph kept on dancing in front of me. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't push it away. The words were etched into my mind. It was written there that they had found an astonishing amount of healing chemicals found in Potions and Hi-Potions. Even without a Phoenix Down, I had managed to stay alive by the amount of medication forced down my throat. 

Had Laguna been giving me our entire supply of medication?

Finally I was in front of her room. I raised my hand, knocked and waited. Something moved in the room then it was silent. Seconds later, a door opened and Ellone's face greeted mine.

"Squall! What are you doing here?" She hastily supported me in and sat me down on a chair. I leaned forward to study her face. She hadn't been sleeping. She had been crying.

"Why are you here, Squall?" She looked at me, her face full of expectation. I could see the red veins in her eyes. A wave of guiltiness shot through me. Not now! I have to ask her.

"Ellone…will you do something for me?"

"You know I'll do anything for you, Squall." Her eyes looked sadly at me. I tried to ignore their message.

"…send me back to the past."

Her eyes grew wide open. "But why?"

"Please don't ask why, Ellone. Please just say you'll do it." I begged her. A memory washed over me. It was that of me pleading for her to send me into Rinoa's past. Now…it's different and yet the stakes are the same.

"Squall…all right. Who and when do you want to go to?"

"…Laguna, while we were on Centra."

This time she was really startled. "Squall…"

I shook my head. "Please don't ask, Ellone. I…there's something I have to know. Please, Ellone?" I was growing desperate. I have to know the truth now. Before I go mad.

"All right, Squall. But go back to your room. You'll be too weak to walk back if you don't."

I nodded my head. Anything. Anything at all.

* * *

Centra. I recognize the endless sand and sky. I looked down. Laguna's body. I looked around. Where was my body? Something heavy weighed down on my back and I turned to see what it was. I came face to face with myself.

I drew my breath sharply. Laguna…he carried me to the cave. It was him all along. Kiros was right. He did carry me for three days…

I could feel his muscles tightening and the sweat pouring from his face. I…my body weighed heavily on me. This…this just doesn't seem true. How could he have carried me so far for so long?

The vision faded and another appeared. This time we were in the cave. A sudden feeling of loneliness and desperation descended on me. Why was I feeling like this? Laguna?

Then I heard something. It was my voice. I - Laguna turned to listen. I was calling Rinoa's name. Laguna leaned in closer to listen.

_"Rinoa…I promise. I'll come back to you. I promise. I'll never leave you alone again. Rinoa. Where are you? Rinoa. Rinoa!"_

I felt it again. The same feeling of utter despair. What…why?

Laguna leaned and poured an entire elixir into my throat while whispering into my ear. I listen to myself as I mouthed out the words.

_"Be strong, Squall. Never forget who you are. Never forget the ones that love you. Never forget the one you love. I will always be by your side when you need me. Go back to her and live. This is goodbye. I love you, Squall."_

Then, he turned and walked out of the cave. He walked down the cliff and looked around. Then a roar came from behind of him. I turned him around to look. Chimera!

And he was smiling! The damn fool was smiling! But I could feel the calmness in him. He walked to the Chimera slowly, never slackening his pace. The beast rose up in the air and cried out again. He was still walking and smiling. I knew what was to come. I closed my eyes and felt the stinging bite of the Chimera's tail on his body…

* * *

Hyne! NO!

I leapt from my bed and tore out of the room. I don't know how many people I elbowed or pushed away but somehow, I reached the top floor. I threw the guards to one side and burst through the door. As I looked in, my stomach turned sick at the sight in front of me.

Laguna's face was ash white and his face looked like death itself. Only the slight rising of his chest told me that he was still breathing.

Blindly, I pointed at the door. Get them all out! Hyne, get them all out of here!

"Get out! Get out all of you!"

A doctor tried to push me out of the door but I grabbed him and pushed him out of the door with strength I didn't know I had. But I don't care. Just get out! The doctors and nurses scuttled out of the way after I shoved another doctor out. They slammed the door behind of me. But the sound seemed to come from a distance. I can only see the white figure on the bed.

I knelt by the bed and caught hold of his hand. Hyne Almighty! What have I done? _What have I done?_

The answer echoed back to me. I drove him to despair and to death. I told him to prove his love for me by getting out of my life. I told him that I never wanted to see his face again. All he wanted was to be my father.

_Laguna, if you wake up now, I swear I'll never turn you away again. If you fight the poison and live, I'll be the son you wanted me to be. I know what you did for me. I know what you've tried to make me see. I know that now! Hyne! I'll do anything to save you now! You don't know how sorry I am. Please don't leave me alone anymore! Please live!_

Please don't die, father.

**Notes:** Next week: The Epilogue.


	20. Epilogue

Epilogue 

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Final Fantasy VIII.

All the wisdom to lead

All the courage that you need

You will find when you see

We are one.

--Simba, Return to Pride Rock

* * *

How long can someone moan another's death? How long can someone remember the past and not let go?

How long do your days pass, feeling the same despair you felt yesterday? How long do your tears flow, in regret for mistakes that can never be taken back?

How long does it take for you to forgive yourself? How long does it take for you to move on in your life?

The answer doesn't lie in weeks, months, or ever years. Neither eternity nor time hold the answer.

The answer lies in yourself.

To forgive yourself. And to let go.

* * *

It been too long since I came back here. I don't know why I came back. All I know is that I've stayed away for far too long.

Nothing changes up here. The wind still feels cold, the sun still warm and everything still silent. Birds still sing and the grass still grow. Everything I remember is still here. But something has changed. There is a new grave on the hill.

I make my way up the hill slowly, my feet drag against the green floor. With each step I take, my heart grows heavier with dread but yet it feels strangely lighter too. Like I'm leaving a bit of my sorrow behind with every step. How can this be?

Finally I see them. Two graves lying side by side. The granite on one was old and worn, the whiteness of the stone fading. There is a faint brown-red imprint on it which brings back memories I would rather forget. I look away to the other side.

The stone beside the first was new. It had only been there these few years. It wasn't worn out like the first and the white marble on it overshadowed the first with it's reflected light. The new stone was like my heart, I still mourned for his death and my grief for him is larger than my sorrow for her.

I bent down to touch the second stone. It felt cool to the touch. My fingers ran over the simple carvings and traced the inscription on it. Although I had only seen it once, I could remember the words as easily as I could breathe. It was a part of me. In the grave is a part of me. How could I forget it?

I couldn't stay for long. I had to return. My new family, my work, my life still calls to me. I don't belong here. Not yet. But for now, I simply sit here and cherish the memories. Memories that bring a smile to my lips and tears to my eyes.

Memories that I will never forget.

* * *

"Where is he?"

"He's upstairs. He doesn't know you're here."

I nodded at the all-too familiar face. This feels so wrong and yet so right. The old Squall would not hesitate to show his dislike for this man. The old Squall would have been engaged in a dueling match of words with this man. The old Squall wouldn't have come at all.

I walked through the corridor, reliving recollections that filtered in through the walls of the building. At every corner and at every turn, I saw another vision of my younger self. It was like watching an old movie of my life in this place.

Then I passed a particular door. My throat tightened and I clenched my fists. I wish I could forget this particular memory. It brought me more misery than I had ever felt in my entire life. I never wanted to feel that way again.

I climbed the stairs and opened the door. I have never seen this sight before except for the cockpit of the Ragnarok. This is my first time on the roof of the Presidential Palace. Esthar looked beautiful in the setting sun.

A person who was leaning over the edge of the roof turned around and looked expectantly at me. I watched as astonishment then pleasure swept across his face.

"Squall!"

My little surprise was complete.

* * *

Six years ago, I would have rushed over to try and embrace him. Five years ago, I would have cowered away in the shadows like a slinking coward. Now I couldn't move.

"Squall, you didn't tell me you were coming! How did you know I was up here?"

I thought I saw a hint of a smile but it was gone in a minute. His face remained emotionless.

"Kiros told me."

"He _knew_ you were coming?" That sly dog!

Squall nodded.

"Why are you up here?" He asked suddenly.

I turned around to look back at the view before replying. "I often come up here when I need some peace and quiet. It's a great place for reflecting and the view is lovely. I haven't been up here for a while though. I haven't had the strength."

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him shoot a glance at me. A frown came over his face. I turned to face him.

"Squall, I'm fine. I really am all right, no matter what the doctors say. They'll have me believe that I'm even too old to run this country." I laughed. Another shadow of a smile flitted across his features. "If I do decide to retire now, they'll probably be begging me to stay on. My retiring would mean that they lose their best patient."

He grimaced. His opinion of them are the same as mine. That they're nothing but money-sucking vampires.

"You shouldn't be up here. The air is too cold and you might freeze." For a while, I saw him worrying.

"No, I won't. I may not be the same man I was five years ago but I'm still alive and kicking. I can't just sit at my desk all day long or lie on my bed when I'm not working. I'm perfectly fine up here." I can be obstinate if I want to.

"Stubborn idiot." He muttered back.

"As if you aren't." I said mockingly.

He shrugged. "I'm not the one that tried to kill myself by facing a Chimera alone."

"And I'm not the one who was a complete wreck when I finally woke up."

This time, I saw it. The closest which Squall came to smiling. I felt like hollering it to the rooftops of Esthar. They were so rare that I treasured each of them in my heart.

We were silent for a while. I was remembering again the long, long dream that I seemed to be caught in and couldn't be pulled out. I could not remember the physical aching I felt then but I could clearly remember the feeling of drifting and floating around. I was so light, I could almost fly. But the darkness. The never ending darkness. No matter where I ran or floated to, it was always the same. The lost feeling that I only felt when I thought about Raine.

It was a never ending nightmare.

* * *

It was a nightmare brought to life.

I remember the whole thing. The sleepless nights, the hours of pleading and tears, the days when I wandered around like a zombie, the evenings when I felt the same urge to let out pent up emotion but couldn't because there was no convenient Training Centre nearby. Most of all the mental anguish I went through. Even today, the pain was still fresh. Perhaps I won't be able to forget it. Sometimes you have to sit back and stop trying to control everything that goes through your mind.

"Squall…I'm sorry for what I put you through."

I blinked and looked at him. He was apologizing for what was actually _my_ fault? I feel so horribly small.

"Laguna, it wasn't your fault. It…it was mine. I put you through hell. I…I didn't even care that you were trying to make it up to me." I only saw the past. I couldn't, wouldn't see the present. It was all my fault.

"I suppose we're both equally to blame. We managed to make each other's lives hell. Ironic, isn't it?" Indeed. "I guess its proof of the link between us." It's more than that. It's proof that we're father and son.

I looked at him, really looked at him. He was only fifty years old but he looked older than that. The poison had ravaged his body and left him everything but dead. Even now, he still suffers from the effects of the poisoning. I wish I had never said those cursed words. I wish I had never wished him to die.

He wasn't the same man he was. He had cheated death to live again but death still left its claim on him. We all knew although we won't admit it that he didn't really have that much time to live. He's only alive today because…he heard me calling him.

* * *

I'm still alive but I know that it's not for long. Everyday when I wake up, I feel the pain in my side from the old bite marks. I could have died then. I'm sure of it. Everyone was. I only lived because I wanted to. Because my son wanted me to.

"Yesterday, I went to Winhill." He suddenly said.

I looked at him in wonder. He rarely offered information. But he was still talking.

"I went to visit my mother's grave…and my son's. I wanted to see if it had all been a dream that never happened in real life. Raine died when I was a baby. My son…died shortly after he was born. I never had the chance to know them. I…I think I know how you felt now…about me."

His eyes met mine and I read the sorrow he still carries for three years. He read the sorrow I carried for eighteen years.

Then he tore his eyes away from mine and looked at his wristwatch.

"I almost forgot. There is something I need to show you."

I was curious. What did he want to show me? He was looking at the door expectantly. I followed his gaze.

There was a tiny, nearly inaudible knock on the door. Then it opened and a little face peeped in. My eyes widened as did his.

"Grandpa!"

The little boy ran into my arms and he hugged me tightly. I hugged back. He…how did he get here?

* * *

I watched them hug fondly. I smiled inwardly to myself. They had not seen each other in over a year now. Kenneth had talked about nothing else since we were on our way here. He and Laguna had a mysterious bond that I had trouble forging with him. But I still wasn't done yet.

"Kenneth!"

My little boy turned around to look at me, a little embarrassed with his emotions.

"Remember what I have trained you to do?"

He smiled straight up at me. "Of course!"

He turned around and faced Laguna. I drew myself up to my fullest height and looked at Laguna full in the face. He was still watching us in surprise.

"I never told you how much I respected you for what you were willing to do five years ago. Now I want you to know, _this_ is how proud I am of you."

I laid my hand on Kenneth's shoulder and we both saluted in SeeD fashion at him. I felt my face broke out into a real smile as I looked into his face so full of pride.

* * *

I watched in bewilderment as both my son and grandson saluted me. Then the meaning behind it all dawned on me. Slowly, I saluted them back.

I want you to know that I'm proud of you too, I said silently in my heart.

Squall's hand dropped to his side and Kenneth relaxed. Squall was still looking at me when he uttered the words I had longed to hear for so long. All time seem to freeze for me in that moment.

_I love you, father._

**Notes:** At last it is finished! I want to thank everyone who has so kindly reviewed my story. Although I didn't receive the feedback I would have liked, I'm really happy with all your support and encouragement. I hope that I haven't disappointed anyone with my story. =)


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